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April 21, 2013
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i.
She wished to be dressed in poetry
but she didn’t understand that
imagery fades and that metaphors
are too easily forgotten.

ii.
She asked why I didn’t utilize my
alliteration eyes—why I hid the tag
‘ hello my name is: writer
beneath San Francisco bays
and rotting ink grenades,
still in dead crusade.

iii.
I broke pencil shavings in
skybound veins, just to taste
the words
and I bled like a sinner
for mere dreams of some redemption.


“I’m only a poet of capitulation”



You are the story, and
I am the pen

(you were always
fond of masquerades)




Another "what I need to say" poem which is popping into the personal folder. Why? This has to do with my past self... who sometimes still manages to appear with new naivety.
I hope you enjoy! I also honestly hope I did the whole "section" poem thing right. This is my first time attempting, and it honestly seemed the only way to do it: Regular stanzas and paragraphing just weren't cutting it.

Thank you so very much for the view!

~ Critique, as always, is deeply appreciated! :blowkiss: ~
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:iconpalaeochannel6:
palaeochannel6 Featured By Owner May 30, 2013
Font was so small I couldn't read it. So I'm going to assume it was about an autistic duck named Larry who's trying to make it the world.

I really loved how you played Larry the autistic duck's spectrum disorder. Very subtle; the compulsion to arrange the sugar and cream packets at his token job at Starbucks; his emotional outburst after having learned that his young daughter was becoming a ward of the state despite his best attempts at loving parenting.

And especially striking was the end compromise, the lack of resolution which burns constantly. Larry the autistic duck never got his daughter back, but I think what this poem is trying to say is that, It's for the better. For both of their sake.

Easily in the top 30 works of fiction featuring autistic ducks that I have ever read.
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
iloveyou
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:iconpalaeochannel6:
palaeochannel6 Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013
;)
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for your time. You have a very creative imagination :giggle:
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:iconpalaeochannel6:
palaeochannel6 Featured By Owner May 30, 2013
<3
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:iconschriftsteller:
schriftsteller Featured By Owner May 29, 2013   Writer
This is completely brilliant. I don't think I've ever read a more proper and wonderful poem on the subject of being a writer. At least not one I can remember right now-- there aren't too many out there anyway. I'm really glad I stumbled on this!
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner May 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I think I almost died :stare:
You are so wonderful: your words just hit all the right buttons. I feel that sounds incredibly egotistical or something (but I actually have pretty low-self esteem?)
Anyway, you made me feel like a pound of gold! Thank you so very much for taking the time to leave some feedback on this piece: It means a lot to me! I'm so happy my poem could be worthwhile to someone. To have such words extended to this piece just makes me feel such a swell of gratitude. Thank you, again :hug:

I'm also sorry if I've scared you off with this odd reply; I tend to say 'whatever' around 1 in the morning.
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:iconschriftsteller:
schriftsteller Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2013   Writer
Oh, I'm just being honest! I'm glad that it made you feel good, though. Don't worry about scaring me off-- I don't scare easily. I really did love the poem. I need to have a gander through the rest of your gallery. :hug:
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You are very kind :heart:
I hope you like what you find! I look forward to looking through your gallery, too. I've just been so busy :( but I'lll definitely write it down so I won't forget! I really do want to take the proper time to read and comment on your work, so even if I can't do it in bulk, perhaps I can just leave a comment here and there? That'd be nice, I think! :hug:
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:iconbrokengod--veins:
brokengod--veins Featured By Owner May 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This reads so, so beautifully, but I think I could enjoy it more with a bigger font? I have slight astigmatism, but if you really want this to be petite, I suggest using just one < sup >. :)

It does resemble a dreamy-like state, but could be dreamier and a bit more memory-like and readable at the same time. I keep squinting and my eyes hurt. :C
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner May 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm so sorry to hear it hurt your eyes! That's not good. I shall definitely change it!
I've been trying to play around with this one a lot, but I can never seem to get the size I want. If I take a < sup > off, it looks too big. However, perhaps I will play with some actual font sizes until I can get a size that is appropriate for both the meaning and for those reading. Thanks so much for bringing this to attention; I'm so sorry, again, that it hurt your eyes ;a;
I shall fix it soon, after I've made some more replies :heart:
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:iconbrokengod--veins:
brokengod--veins Featured By Owner May 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:huggle:
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:iconrockettreverie:
rockettreverie Featured By Owner May 14, 2013  Student Filmographer
The whole thing sounds really good, but the third part is my favorite :D
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner May 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!! :heart:
I'm really glad you liked it!
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:iconmozartsnemesis:
MozartsNemesis Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2013
The suggestions offered in the critique, I feel, are unfounded. "Skybound veins" is brilliant, and with the reference to sinner and redemption in the same stanza, I got a heaven/hell vibe, which works well. As far as "still in dead crusade" in conjunction with "san fransisco bay " and "rotting ink grenades" ..it speaks to me of being dormant, torpid. the fact that by hiding your "writer tag" in the depths of the sea, or under the guise of an ink dud, you hope to disillusion the reader, so they don't see who you really are. Please dont change this, it's brilliant.
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I must admit that whenever I am faced with your words, I become speechless. I wish I knew how best to go about expressing myself, but I usually can only think of "thank you." I apologize... but I try to always respond with as much honesty as I can find. Perhaps that will make up for my insufficient words.

I think what meant the most to me, what rendered me so speechless and what touched me the most, was the fact that you understood. This poem, as I've stated, bears very personal pieces of myself. In seeing the meaning to the most crucial area, I feel as if you are seeing me. For this I thank you. To have the care and interest to unravel my words and reach an understanding... I could not be more grateful. I'm quite used to receiving different interpretations, and I always enjoy reading how others perceived my poetry... but when I see someone who understood my definition (especially on such a personal piece), I cannot help but tear up in appreciation. But this is just because I'm a softy :giggle:

Thank you so much for stating your opinion on this matter. I'm glad you think so highly of my writing. I think I have grown too fond of it to change it now, so do not worry :thanks:
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:iconssensory:
ssensory Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2013   Writer
All of my suggestions? I'm sorry...but anyways, the first few times reading it the third Roman numeral seemed off to me because it was completely different from the other two...after I read it a few more times it definitely works as a Roman numeral, though. Sorry, just didn't want to get off on the wrong foot. Hope you can see why I thought it seemed a bit off. :)

I agree with everything that you said. She really wrote an amazing poem; it blew me away, honestly.
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:iconmozartsnemesis:
MozartsNemesis Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2013
No no, I surely didnt mean all your suggestions. Im sorry im the way i wrote that led you to believe I was dismissing your entire comment. Really, just the things I touched on in the rest of the comment. And I certainly dont want to get off on the wrong foot. Im apologize if you thought my comment was personal, or i was attacking you. I just.. this poem is so awesome, that i really didnt feel like she should change the word choice because it worked so well.
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:iconssensory:
ssensory Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2013   Writer
Oh, okay. :nod: You're totally fine; it's alright. :) After reading the poem a few more times I do like 'in dead crusade" (which I pointed out basically for grammar) & the third Roman numeral (I just feel like there's something still slightly off; format-wise only, though). :nod: Oh, I only suggested to change the word choice once, actually. But now I see why the 'too' is there, so it's all good.

The poem is really awesome. :la: It's definitely a phenomenal poem.
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:iconssensory:
ssensory Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2013   Writer
I really need to comment on your stuff and I feel bad for not replying back or commenting. :saddummy: So I'm going to give you a critique. :)

Question(s):
1) why is the font so small? is there a reason behind that?

2) I see how the last line correlates with the title, but what is its relevance to the poem?

3) why did you use the format of with the Roman numerals?

Suggestions:
1) maybe change the title? it doesn't seem too fitting to me, but I could be missing something. I tend to miss things...
2) "skybound veins" skybound should be sky-bound.

3) "skybound veins" I really don't understand why you used the word 'sky-bound' because it seems to be totally different from the rest of the poem. (I can slightly see it because under that Roman numeral it talks about sinners and redemption, but with the poem overall, skybound, sinners, and redemption seem different from the rest of the whole poem).

4) "still in dead crusade" doesn't make sense. It should be "still dead in the crusade" or "still in the dead crusade".

5) "skybound veins, just to taste
the words" personally, I think you could combind those two lines into one, but I can see why you broke them into two.

6) "are too easily forgotten." I feel like the word 'too' is redundant?

7) I think you don't need the Roman numerals, personally.

Feel free to ignore my suggestions. You are the author of this poem and what you say goes will go. :)


Good points:
1) holy shit, I'm just overall amazed by this poem. the first stanza is pure gold; it blew me away with the imagery you gave me even though they dealt with poetic terms. The imagery I was picking up reminds me of Dali's artwork, wow. That is outstanding.

2) "alliteration eyes—why I hid the tag" oh my gosh the dash is used so perfectly here; it's beautiful. :love: I love it.

3) the second Roman numeral is very witty with how the person hides his/her name tag under the things they wrote (I hope that made sense to you); that was extremely smart. Again, I am blown away.

4) I love how this is not in present tense! It's a breath of fresh air and just lovely and so interesting. I really enjoyed that.

5) the line breaks are pretty much perfect. I love how each line ends and starts; it's just right.

6) this poem really blows me away and amazes me. You write so well. Damn.

7) I like how 'some redemption' sounded so eye-rolling-like (sorry if that didn't make sense; I couldn't think of the word). That was really cool!


Usual critique system of dA's...
Vision: :star: :star: :star: :star:
I gave you this rating because this is just so perfect. I think what you were going for was completely right. Also, the imagery is nice and strong in parts, however it is not as strong in others. That is not bad because I think it works the way it is.

Technique: :star: :star: :star: :star:
I gave you this rating because the way you wrote it works almost perfectly.

Impact: :star: :star: :star: :star:
I gave you this rating because it blew me away when I read it. However, it did not cause any emotional effects on me besides "wow", which is why it isn't five stars.

Originality: :star: :star: :star: :star:
I gave you this rating because it has slight unorginial ideas by writing about poetry in a sense (it seems like everyone does something like this), but you made the ideas very broad here and created them into your own new meaning. That was very orginal and marvelous.

Overall: :star: :star: :star: :star:
That's just the average of what they all seem to be.
Anyways, as I've been saying, this poem blows me away so much. It is pretty much perfect and just so amazing. You're a phenomenal writer. This is a very special poem. Be proud of it.
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I think I'm the one completely blown away, now. Thank you so very much!! Feedback and critique are such wonderful gifts: They help me improve so very much, and I learn what to keep an eye out for. I'm sorry I can think of no other words for you other than the stupid ones I chose :stare:

As for my stuff and replying: please do not fret! Take your time as I absolutely do not mind in the slightest! The fact that you plan to do so at all warms my heart :tighthug: I appreciate any and all feedback that I can be lucky enough to receive! I'm so grateful for your support!!

To your question(s):
1) There is no concrete reason other than the fact I wanted it to be like a memory (hence why it is not in present tense). It's like the narrator is reflecting upon this in a very small voice... this is a personal piece and it is confronting one of my many weaknesses and frustrations. Is the size too distracting? Perhaps I should make it a little bit bigger?
2)The last line is more of an answer to the question in line 6 and 7. Basically, why I hide the fact that I am a writer from others. I am a writer of submission... if that makes sense. I do not have the bravery to confront this title, and I am too insecure most often to think myself a true writer... even though there is a rational side of me that gives logic and truth.
3) I wanted it to be like sections of a memory or of a train of thought. I wanted the shifts to start soft, become abrupt, and then the last stanza and line to seem a little out of place to reflect conflict. I usually write too vague, which is why I do not expect anyone to make this association, but I decided explaining the original meaning may help aid understanding (: normal stanzas did not seem to give this transition, and so I chose to do Roman numerals to force the transition.

To your suggestions:
1) Do not worry, I am the same when I read other people's writing. I may be the only one who understands the title as it is a personal piece. I think it's more how I used to give in to my feelings of inadequacy (and how I sometimes still do), but I think it's also about giving in to my dreams and learning to challenge those inferior feelings.
2) I like to experiment sometimes with the way the mind perceives certain things. By leaving out the hyphen, I believe it makes readers linger further on the word and perhaps gauge the meaning. I also think it takes away the binding of proper writing, making it more of a free thought. I will consider changing it, however... I will reread the poems a few times, and if I like one better with the poem I will make appropriate changes! Thank you!
3) This is also something only I may understand. I usually don't write poems this personal to the point they may go without understanding, but I do so upon occasion and usually put it into my personal folder. Skybound, in this case, refers to a few things. Firstly, when I used to cut myself and veins pushed blood up. Secondly, I made my veins more into dreamers... who long much like birds yearn to fly. I don't know if I expect this to be realized, either, but I like the placement of it there. Also, the redemption isn't exactly religious (though it definitely could be! That part of my life is certainly complicated), but could be something redeeming I find within myself. However, I am merely describing how I bled, which brings us to how most sinners who possess regret yearn for redemption.
4) Again, this comes from my fault of loving to play with words. It's sometimes about the way it sounds. I do agree that "still in the dead crusade" would be better, however it sounds different with the line above. This would make it the same amount of syllables, which isn't a bad thing necessarily, but I wanted the flow to be different. I think some people will take the 'the' to be implied, but perhaps this is just my silly thinking because, as I said before: experimenting with words is my fault.
5) This I will seriously consider. I wanted the emphasis to be on "the words" because words are incredibly important to me. However, I honestly see the benefit of putting it up. You've made a very good point. I'll play with it a little and see which one I like :D
6) I can certainly see why you would say this. I reread my first stanza and I do agree... however, it doesn't seem to hold the meaning I want it to when it is removed. Since a lot of people do not even care about words anymore, I wanted to emphasize that they weren't just easily forgotten... it was as easy as breathing. I suppose I could have said it in a better way. Hmm. I will think a little more on this one, too!
7) I will ask for your personal opinion: do you find them too distracting? I see your point, and I will put some thought into this as well! I really want this to be a good poem... even if its for the selfish, stupid reason of wanting to see my faults beautiful, or in a better light... even if it is just in this piece.

Thank you so very much for all of your suggestions! I'm sorry that I gave you so much to read, I just felt so grateful that I felt I had to respond to them! I apologize. However, I found all of your suggestions very helpful! Believe it or not, I now have a few more tools to use when writing future poems. :D for this I am very grateful! Thank you so much for giving me your own personal opinion. I am so grateful!

The words you put towards my poem under your "good points" made me smile like an idiot. Thank you so much for such kind words! You seriously made my day with your whole entire comment, but these words especially made me feel as if this poem were special! Thank you, thank you, thank you for letting me know the parts you liked. To hear I write well makes me so grateful, even if I blush and reject it a few moments later (I'm still working on a lot of my confidence, because I still know I have much to improve upon! However hearing that from you meant a lot!)

Once I read "usual critique system" I expected to see maybe to or three stars. To see four stars blew me away. I am so happy this poem was four stars to you! Again, your words flatter me and compliment me in ways I could never hope to say 'thank you' for!! You are far too kind to me :hug:

thank you so much, again. Your comment is just fantastic and I could not ask or wish for more! This helped me an incredible amount! I am truly grateful for the confidence boost and for the helpful advice :thanks: :heart:
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:iconssensory:
ssensory Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2013   Writer
You are most welcome! :tighthug: I try to give things like this whenever I can; it's the least I can do. :)

Alright! Thank you and all for that. Aww. I'm grateful for the support you give me, too. :heart:

1) oh, alright (I love how it's in past tense so much now. that is so cool!). Yeah, I think the font is slightly hard to read (for me at least..but I may just be a blind bat =p ). Feel free to make it a bit bigger if you want to.
2) Oh, okay. Thank you for the explanation! That makes so much more sense now.
3) Alright. After reading this a few times, I feel like it only works with the first and last stanza under the Roman numerals. The second Roman numeral is kind of a continuation of the first, in a sense, because it keeps the 'she' character. She is dropped in the third Roman numeral, and it is appropriate that it is different than the rest of the poem since it's under a Roman numeral. I think, maybe, you'll still need a way to make the second stanza clearly distinct from the second...format wise. I suggest parenthesis, maybe, or : block quote :. Something to that effect, if you want it to be like that.

--
1) alright, then it works. Sorry for the misunderstanding :)

2) Ahhh I see. I'm sorry, I usually just base my suggestions off of grammatical correctness, so that's why I brought it up. However, I can see what you're talking about and I like that effect. :)

3) As I said before, after reading this quite a few times, with the style of formatting you out this in it definitely works. It does hint to religion from what I could tell, but your take on it makes sense, too (well, you wrote it, so of course it makes sense...ahh sorry if I sounded dumb). I think it's brilliant now, actually, so don't cut it or anything. it only seemed out of place (the whole stanza, actually) because the 'she' character appeared twice and The first two stanzas had a different feeling from it than This one. It's really cool how it can be perceived differently to other people when it's very personal to you. That's really awesome, I think. Also, I'm really sorry to hear that you used to cut yourself. :( I hope you're okay now.

4) Personally, it came off sounding strange to me; the flow was definetly different...seemed slightly off, really. If that is what you were going for, then keep it like that. :)

5) Ahh, I see. :nod: Glad you'll consider it. :)

6) Alright!

7) As mentioned previously, it doesn't work with the second stanza, since it's like a continuation of the first. However, you should keep it and they aren't distracting. I suggest to take the Roman numeral off of the second stanza, though.

--

You're most welcome and you didn't give me too much to read, you're fine. :) Im so glad you found them helpful! :love: Aww yay. :tighthug: You are most welcome, again. :)

Awww. You're very welcome, really. :heart:

You deserve the kindness; this is truly a remarkable poem. :hug:

You are definitely welcome! :la: I am so glad you really appreciated it and that it seemed to really help! :) Anytime. :heart:
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
1) I will experiment with the font size soon. Thank you!
3) I actually agree with you. I will see if it looks good with the first two stanzas under one numeral, and then the last stanza under the second. It certainly does seem to work better, now that I think about it!

----
3) Thank you for your care and concern :heart: I am fine now (: I really don't possess urges anymore and I've gone about two years with only one incident. I appreciate your concern, and rest easy :hug:
4) I see! Thanks for your insight! I think I'll keep it like it is, though, just because I do believe I wanted emphasis there!

----
I am so honored to receive such compliments :iconbowplz: You are far too kind! Please, also, don't apologize for any misunderstandings or things of that like: You are simply presenting your own opinion! I write rather vague and cryptic, so I often think my poetry is confusing, too! The fact you left a critique, though, really does mean so much to me! :hug: :heart: thank you again!
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:iconmozartsnemesis:
MozartsNemesis Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2013
Wow. The edits were just what this needed to take it from good to asdfghhju ( which is ancient keyboard-speak for freaking amazing.)
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh you! Your words are so very kind :glomp: Thank you so very much! You make this poem sound like a solid gold bar (:

I really appreciate the fact that you came back and reread it at all! This means so much to me!! Thank you. You are far too kind :hug: :heart: I'm really glad you like the revisions, too!

I will respond to your other lovely, lovely comments when I have more time. Thank you so much for all the support you've given me and for the time you've taken to comment. You have my gratitude! I also must thank you deeply for the watch! I hope I will not disappoint!
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:iconmozartsnemesis:
MozartsNemesis Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2013
No need to thank me, for the truth needs no gratification. I was telling my friend today (who is also an amazing poet, and the one who introduced me to DA) what an awesome poet you are, and how I wish I had half the talent at 26 that you do at 16. There's no way you could disappoint me, except if you stopped writing. :)
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Again, I am speechless! Thank you. I really do appreciate such wonderful compliments... however, I often feel that I do not deserve them: I still have much to improve upon before I can reach the kind of writer I wish to be. I'm not even sure of the specifics of that kind of writer yet, but I am sure it will become more defined with time. At least, I hope.

I am really longing for more time... I've been kept busy with school and job hunting that I am at a loss. I took a look at some of your writing, and from what I can see you are actually quite good! I do not know why you envy my skills when you can write with such beauty! :giggle: I really am hoping for the time to leave some comments, and I will do so as soon as possible; however money and grades are a priority right now. I apologize!
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:iconmozartsnemesis:
MozartsNemesis Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2013
I'm going to respond to all your comments in one comment here. Thanks for taking the time out of your busy day to respond to my comments. Your words are never insufficient. You have the ability to say more in twenty lines than most people can in 20 paragraphs. With time, you will only get better. Im glad I can make you speechless, usually the only time that happens is when i'm being an idiot and people dont know what to say lol. I understood this piece, because I understand that I, as a poet, often write personal things about myself, but in such a way as to deflect the questions nad probings of others. It's like I'm saying "I offer you this gift of a poem. There are pieces of me I have hidden in here like an easter egg hunt, but I will never tell you what the meaning is, or where those pieces are." It's my way of releasing all the (pardon my language) shit inside of me, without allowing people to slip in past my defenses.
I cannot wait to read more from you.
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much for such kind words. Now if only I could use such words to speak with :giggle:

but the fact that you are allowing people in at all reflects perhaps a desire to in fact be seen? I'm still trying to come to terms with dropping my walls... but I think life can be lived better this way. Perhaps that is the thinking of a naïve child, however I always tell myself: if I only have one life, then I want to live that with all the heartbreak and all the pain. It is better to have loved then to have never loved at all, right? It pains me to see how I'm living my life unattached to anything... so I wish to change this. If I am able to succeed, I'll let you know if its worth it.

I hope you will enjoy them. Sometimes I feel that I grow too repetitive, and then I am blinded towards the faults my writing possesses. but I am trying my best to improve! If you ever have any advice for me down the road, please feel free to share: I would be honored to receive such lessons :) especially from a poet such as yourself!
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:iconpassionandpromise:
PassionandPromise Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2013  Student Writer
This is absolutely beautiful, and there is nothing I can say against it. You have a pitch-perfect way with words here, and your imagery is really strong here.
xxx
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:blushes: thank you so very much! You are far too kind to me. I wish I had better words for you other than "thank you," but those are all that I can come up with in the moment.

I really am so grateful for your support, though! You are just so lovely and you leave me such uplifting comments. I am grateful beyond words :tighthug:
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:icondreamingmind-set:
DreamingMind-set Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
WOW! :clap: I read the first stanza and fell in love with this piece. :love:
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :heart: :hug:
I am so happy to hear that!
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:icondreamingmind-set:
DreamingMind-set Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
My pleasure.:hug: Lovely piece.
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You are just so kind. Thank you, again :thanks:
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:icondreamingmind-set:
DreamingMind-set Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:iconnewglomp:
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:iconpaperbackrevelations:
PaperbackRevelations Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I love how you kept the theme consistent, painting a solid picture of the narrator. And then the ending line is just so telling.. Very relatable and well written :)
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :hug: :heart:
I am so glad you thought it was well written!
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:iconpaperbackrevelations:
PaperbackRevelations Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Very welcome. :)
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:iconmozartsnemesis:
MozartsNemesis Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2013
I really enjoyed the first three stanzas.. you said what you needed to say wonderfully. The ending, for me at least, was a little disjointed and..lacking. You broke form, and I think it detracted a bit from the poem itself. Still a beautiful piece of poetry.
Favorite lines:
"why I hid the tag
‘ hello my name is: writer ’
beneath San Francisco bays
and rotting ink grenades,"
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much for your feedback! I definitely see what you mean. I think I'll take out a few lines (: I suppose I sometimes just need people to point out the obvious.

I'm really glad you liked that part! It's probably the most meaningful to me.
Feedback always helps me grow and develop as a writer, which I'm very grateful for. So thank you, again, for your wonderful comment: I really appreciate it! :love:
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:iconmozartsnemesis:
MozartsNemesis Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2013
Not a problem at all. I feel the same way.. I always want to be better than I am, and if people always tell me im great, im never gonna get better. Glad I could help..and like I said.. I really did enjoy this. :)
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Those are exactly my thoughts! I don't know if I'd use the word "great" with my work all the time, though :giggle: but constructive criticism really helps me! I feel that perhaps I am getting closer to being where I want to be in the writing world!
I'm glad you enjoyed it, too. Thank you so much :thanks: I really, really appreciate it.
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