Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login

She was grass-stained
with bleeding, bare-foot
dreams,

because she’d always said
that shoes were for porcelain girls
afraid of callous skin.

and she was not fear.
not anymore.

when it crept in on white
manicured edges,
she would make lions of trembling girls,
which craved and devoured
from her temples
a sunset-blossom
love.


You can't hurt me anymore.

Alternate title: Since October
(and I'm attached to neither, so suggestions are once again open.)


He said with her I look like a little Chihuahua trying to puff up big enough to become a Bulldog. I thought lions sounded better... perhaps because I want to imagine myself something more beautiful and more powerful than a little dog :giggle: but imagery does not last forever.

It's just been a personal-writing week for me, hasn't it? I've been home sick, and when I have too much time I always reflect on the stupidest of things. I hope this could still be enjoyed, though!

Critique, as always, is much appreciated :blowkiss:
(Also please let me know if I should move this to scraps. I don't think too highly of it, but that may be because of the content.)
Add a Comment:
 
:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner May 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You really should feel higher of this, dear--even if the "content" isn't to your liking. (; It's really a rather lovely piece...you created some very appealing imagery here--especially that "manicured edges." I can't put my finger on why, but that line keeps drawing my eyes back. There's something very characteristic about it, something very unique. For me, that polished & white image just hits home with the feeling of all this "porcelain."

In essence, an amazing read. ^^
Reply
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner May 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Your words are so fantastic. I kind of feel undeserving with such kindness, but I really am grateful you took the time to share! Your description of the words "manicured edges" really brought some insight to me, as well, with things I had never thought about before! I was appreciative for the perspective there :D

Thanks so much! You are just lovely :heart:
Reply
:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:la: It's nothing, really. I only say what I mean, after all. You are completely deserving of all my words. :hug:
Reply
:iconthegirlfromindonesia:
it was really nice!:) Kind of reminds me of how I hate wearing shoes XD
Reply
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:giggle: I detest shoes, too. I only wear them when I must.
I thank you for the lovely comment, and I'm so very happy you liked it!
Reply
:iconthegirlfromindonesia:
thegirlfromindonesia Featured By Owner May 4, 2013
Ahhahahaha same here XD
no problem:)
Reply
:iconshipwreck-stars:
shipwreck-stars Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2013
I like this poem, especially the second stanza! I like how it gives off an image of an adventurous, almost rebellious character. Nicely written, doesn't belong in the scraps?
Reply
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I had not even realized that was the tone! It was such a pleasure to make this discovery, and I thank you for sharing your thoughts and pointing it out! I really enjoy discovering what others think about my poetry :hug:

You are so very kind. Thank you so very much for all your lovely words and thoughts! They are deeply appreciated :heart:
Reply
:iconshipwreck-stars:
shipwreck-stars Featured By Owner May 4, 2013
You're welcome
Reply
:icondreamingmind-set:
DreamingMind-set Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:clap:Lovely poem,:love:
Reply
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:blushes: Thank you very much! I'm ecstatic you liked it! I wasn't too sure about this one
Reply
:icondreamingmind-set:
DreamingMind-set Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Are you kidding me, it was amazing. That very first part "She was grass-stained
with bleeding, bare-foot
dreams," beautifully written, lovely image.:love:
Reply
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner May 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:tighthug: You are just a kind soul! Thank you! :heart::heart:
Reply
:icondreamingmind-set:
DreamingMind-set Featured By Owner May 6, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:blush:Anytime.:hug:
Reply
:iconmadameshadowenn:
madameshadowenn Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Absolutely amazing :heart:
A little question
"that shoes were for porcelain girls
afraid of callous skin."

Did you mean "callous" - unfeeling/heartless - or did you mean "callus" - hard skin? Just wondering!

Incredible piece, I'm in awe!
Reply
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You give such wonderful compliments; I'm blushing. Thank you!! :tighthug: I really appreciate the time you took to both read and comment~
As for your question: I had originally meant that, but I realized I like callous better... mostly because I think the mind can link it to both, and I believe unfeeling skin is the same as hard skin, but it is stated in a more poetic way.

Thank you for asking and for being so kind! You are just wonderful :thanks:
Reply
:iconmadameshadowenn:
madameshadowenn Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Aw, you're welcome!
Ah, I see :) Callous is much more poetic so I completely understand your choice :XD:
Reply
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner May 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:tighthug: I do thank you for pointing that out, however! I usually will actually make such stupid mistakes in my writing, hah. So your helpful eye is much appreciated :heart:
Reply
:iconmadameshadowenn:
madameshadowenn Featured By Owner May 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Anytime :rose:
Reply
:iconpaperbackrevelations:
PaperbackRevelations Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I love it. :) Gives a very clear description of a feisty character, which I like. The only thing I could suggest is to maybe add some more to it. I think it feels a little too short, like the ending just happens too soon and there's something missing to it. But what you've got already is lovely so if inspiration ever hits to continue it, I think it would be really fantastic. :D
Reply
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I am ecstatic this poem could be to your liking! I was so very happy to hear you thought the character was feisty!! I was trying to aim at developing a character, but I was not sure if I had succeeded.

I agree completely. I had aimed to add more to this piece, however I am unsure how to continue it. My creative juices ran out at the end, and I could not see myself getting back into the same mindset to finish it. I will make a note to myself and hopefully will be able to add more soon.
Thank you again! :hug:
Reply
:iconpaperbackrevelations:
PaperbackRevelations Featured By Owner May 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I know the feeling. >.< Hopefully someday you'll get a random burst of ideas for it :P

You're welcome. :)
Reply
:iconmozartsnemesis:
MozartsNemesis Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2013
I really enjoyed this poem. Especially the personal aspect, which is something I envy, and am working to improve in my own writing. The only part of this that I feel is a little weak is
"afraid of callous skin.

and she was not fear."

I think it might read better if you switched it around a little. something like "who feared callouses on their skin, and she was not afraid."
Unless of course you meant that the subject "she" was the embodiment of fear. I just.. it stuck out to me as not quite fitting.

"she would make lions of trembling girls,
which craved and devoured
from her temples
a sunset-blossom
love."
my favorite part. such a hopeful and unorthodox approach at fear. Wonderfully done.
Reply
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I am sure you will get to your desired level: Your writing is still blossoming and developing in such a beautiful way!

I agree it does read better, however I do think it changes the flow (and it is perhaps a bit wordy). I tried to think of different ways to rephrase it, but I am in still in the process of finding one I like. I will make a note to myself so I do not forget! I hate that I always seem to tell people that, but my writing tendencies come and go; usually I am unable to access them any time I please and still manage to keep the desired tone and meaning.

I'm glad you liked that part. It was my favorite, as well.
Reply
:iconscarabscorner:
ScarabsCorner Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
lovely
Reply
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :tighthug: :heart:
Reply
:iconscarabscorner:
ScarabsCorner Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
your welcome
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconnullibicity: More from Nullibicity


Featured in Collections

Truth by hypermagical


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
April 26, 2013
File Size
621 bytes
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
892
Favourites
36 (who?)
Comments
27
×