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May 4
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If I push you away, do not leave, for I am probably in the chasm of a pain so wide, it swallows me in days. It’ll spit me out eventually, and dear I’m sorry if I hurt you, but I hope you’d be there to tie me down. I still do not know how to love without being broken and splintered in so many places, that I’d hope you’d be forgiving, despite the stakes I aim at us.

If I throw those broken ‘me’s at you, please lock them back inside of me… and know it was not you whom I was remembering. Know it was not the present I was lost in, but the past, and give me time to reinstall my gravity. I trust and love your prints, but my brain stumbles over fingers: They can be used as hooks, and I was a fish once before, but lord never again.
If I forget your touch within the memories of another, please sink your fingerprints into my lungs so I may breathe nothing but you and ‘now.’

If there comes a time when I forget the ‘now,’ please pull me into your mouth and swallow me; give me somewhere to take refuge, for I am probably two panic attacks away from falling from foundations. And hold me, close—so close that I wonder if we’re one—and let my sweet ears hold all the things you love. I will try to remember them, fashion an anchor, and fall back to you.

If there ever comes a time you love me, please let me embrace you with the fiery depths of suns and wildfires, and let me apologize: loving ‘broken’ should fall upon no man. Then let me kiss you, with tears in my cupids bow, and let me live inside you (a lifelong shelter), and breathe in you, until I am not 'broken' and you are not 'tired,' but we are 'everlasting'… and, please… never let me go.

There's a reason I've never entered into a relationship. and I hope I never will, in a way. I've been keeping myself from opportunities and such... and I know some of you will tell me not to, but I'm an unhealthy, ticking time bomb-- a 'broken' at best, and a codependent suicidal at worst. I feel this burden should fall upon no one.

But I like to fantasize, sometimes, when my mind is quiet and my chest is full! I think this is what I'd want to tell the figure in my head. But don't worry! I have a sister who is my everything. I need no further figures to manifest themselves. I am content just living in laughter with her for as long as I live. I would have not one regret. :heart:
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:icondreamamongstars:
DreamAmongStars Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Your writing reminds me of Fitzgerald (which is the highest of compliments I am capable of giving, I assure you!). It flows wonderfully with beautiful metaphors and imagery that is impossible to replicate. That's partially why it's taken me so long to sit and go through the things you've written recently - I feel like I have to completely immerse myself in your words in order to even remotely do you the justice you deserve.

I love you, girlie! And give Sam my love too! :huggle:
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:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner May 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:tighthug: :iconcomfortplz: If you ever need to talk to someone, Kelsi, I don't mind listening, dear. :heart:
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner May 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, Ricky. I'm sorry. I don't mean to make worries or burdens. I do feel lots better! I kind of force myself to, in a way. I just.. when I get to writing, everything pours out in rivers. and if I could leave the pen alone, I'd be fine, but I miss it and it's definitely a release my soul craves. I guess this was just my small wish of an explanation on why I push everyone away.
I would take you up on the offer, however I don't know what to talk about. Whirlpools of words cycle and shred, but I feel as if they are always the same. That, and I often find them out of place when I feel them. and, sometimes, I couldn't give meaning to their ramblings even if I tried. So I suppose I'm stuck :giggle:.

Thank you for always taking the time to read my works and leave comments! It's always a gift to hear from you. :rose:
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:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner May 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Sometimes not knowing what to talk about allows for new topics to broached, dear. :nod: However, "ramblings" or venting is okay too, honestly. I truly don't mind. :heart:

My pleasure, Kelsi. Never forget you will always have a friend in me, dearie. You're a beautiful soul. :rose:
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner May 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for always waiting with understanding. That means more to me than you'll ever know.

I think it is you who has the beautiful soul.:tighthug: Perhaps I will try one day soon... but today, I am too wound in circles. (I'm sorry.)
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:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner May 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
:tighthug: (Do not apologize, Kelsi. It's perfectly understandable. Take your time and please, do things that make you happy.)
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner May 6, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:glomp: :heart: (I will try. Thank you.)
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:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner May 6, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:iconilyhugplz: <3 (:heart:)
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