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July 4, 2013
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A diamond queen
and seventeen,
smoking pack-a-day dreams
for 95 cents more than
zirconium-falls in slim nicotine

(but the cancer in ashtrays never
stops anyone from trying.)

There’s truth in gusts of sleep,
while I struggle in the
security of windbreaking
as heaven opens up to scream.

Edit: 7/29/13 Edited with the help of *ssolaris
Original title: erorr.
What do you guys think of the changes, if I can ask?



Original version:
A diamond queen
and seventeen,
smoking pack-a-day dreams
for 94 cents more than
zirconium themes
and slim nicotine

(the cancer in ashtrays
never did burn pasts...
but that didn't
stop anyone from trying.)

She'd drink her coat or stuff it
while I'm still struggling
in security and raincoats
when heaven opens up to scream

and when I finally tell
the truth, it's that
I can't be meters per second
when I'm too busy
in hearts per breaking



Yes. This piece is basically a big long rant of my ongoing/spurred hatred for love and for bleak futures.
I feel that it's #$%^. However, I liked the idea.

~ Critique is like food to starving men... therefore, it is much appreciated! :dummy:
FEED DEM MEN! ~
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:icondarksonicsoul:
First let me say I'm really sorry for taking so long to read this!! D: 
And second I think this one has a better flow to it compared to the original, I like both though! 
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:iconmozartsnemesis:
Personally, I enjoyed the former poem much more than this one. however, I like the formatting and where you decided to take this. still well written.
Reply
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Aug 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer

Gah! Sorry it's taken me so long to reply! Better late then never, maybe?

 

I really appreciate your honest feedback to these changes. It means a lot that you would take the time to give your opinion! I can definitely see the appeal of the old version, perhaps because it's more free and loose? However, I do like the more polished feel to this one. I'm a bit torn in places, but so far I think I'll leave it as is. Your feedback though is just so lovely. Thanks, again, for being such a wonderful supporter and giving your thoughts where you can! It means the world to me :heart::heart:

Reply
:iconprincesskatydid:
PrincessKatydid Jul 29, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I really like the original second stanza, personally.
Reply
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Aug 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer

Aw, thanks for the feedback! I really, really appreciate it! Especially since I've really received no form of feedback (to the changes, anyway) besides your comment and one other.

I'll make a note and think over it! Because I do feel that some of the meaning was lost, but I'm unsure of how to remedy the situation. Thanks so much again! There are no words for how much I've come to appreciate your lovely self! :rose::kiss:

I'm about to reply to your note, too! Sorry it's taken me so long! Gah I'm embarrassed for how slow I've been lately. I apologize and there is no excuse. I'll get to it right away! Thanks for putting up with me! :rose::heart::heart:

Reply
:iconprincesskatydid:
PrincessKatydid Aug 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
No worries! I am just grateful that you take time to continue to wonder about what's happening in my life! :heart:
Reply
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Aug 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer

I'll always be curious and caring about both you and your life, dearheart! I like to think we've become pretty good friends, and so I'm always wanting to make sure you are well, and to hear about the wonderful things going on in your life!!

(correction: I'm getting to it NOW haha. I had to reply to some other comments, and now I'm on my way to the note section of my inbox, which is overflowing due to my neglect T^T)

Reply
:iconsigma-echo-seven:
Sigma-Echo-Seven Jul 21, 2013  Student Writer
As an experiment, and from a point of critique, the imagery does a feel a little forced at times (I think it was all the rhyming in the second stanza). But goddamn if it isn't interesting! Experiments are very good things. Keep experimenting. :)
Reply
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Jul 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer

I can agree with you there. I think it was even forced as I was writing it for the first time (I rewrote this whole thing several times, and it still feels a bit off for me), and I appreciate the fact that you'd point it out. I really am grateful for any and all critique that can be offered, because I know I still have much to learn, and by realizing my flaws or shortcomings, I can hopefully then make plans for improvement.

 

I shall keep trying! There will most likely be several failures, but I hope I can keep progressing and that a good one can come out every once in a while! Thanks for your support and words of encouragement! They mean a lot to me. :heart:

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