A diamond queen
smoking pack-a-day dreams
for 95 cents more than
zirconium-falls in slim nicotine
(but the cancer in ashtrays never
stops anyone from trying.)
There’s truth in gusts of sleep,
while I struggle in the
security of windbreaking
as heaven opens up to scream.
A diamond queen
Original title: erorr.
What do you guys think of the changes, if I can ask?
A diamond queen
smoking pack-a-day dreams
for 94 cents more than
and slim nicotine
(the cancer in ashtrays
never did burn pasts...
but that didn't
stop anyone from trying.)
She'd drink her coat or stuff it
while I'm still struggling
in security and raincoats
when heaven opens up to scream
and when I finally tell
the truth, it's that
I can't be meters per second
when I'm too busy
in hearts per breaking
Yes. This piece is basically a big long rant of my ongoing/spurred hatred for love and for bleak futures.
I feel that it's #$%^. However, I liked the idea.
~ Critique is like food to starving men... therefore, it is much appreciated!
FEED DEM MEN! ~
Gah! Sorry it's taken me so long to reply! Better late then never, maybe?
I really appreciate your honest feedback to these changes. It means a lot that you would take the time to give your opinion! I can definitely see the appeal of the old version, perhaps because it's more free and loose? However, I do like the more polished feel to this one. I'm a bit torn in places, but so far I think I'll leave it as is. Your feedback though is just so lovely. Thanks, again, for being such a wonderful supporter and giving your thoughts where you can! It means the world to me
Aw, thanks for the feedback! I really, really appreciate it! Especially since I've really received no form of feedback (to the changes, anyway) besides your comment and one other.
I'll make a note and think over it! Because I do feel that some of the meaning was lost, but I'm unsure of how to remedy the situation. Thanks so much again! There are no words for how much I've come to appreciate your lovely self!
I'm about to reply to your note, too! Sorry it's taken me so long! Gah I'm embarrassed for how slow I've been lately. I apologize and there is no excuse. I'll get to it right away! Thanks for putting up with me!
I'll always be curious and caring about both you and your life, dearheart! I like to think we've become pretty good friends, and so I'm always wanting to make sure you are well, and to hear about the wonderful things going on in your life!!
(correction: I'm getting to it NOW haha. I had to reply to some other comments, and now I'm on my way to the note section of my inbox, which is overflowing due to my neglect T^T)
I can agree with you there. I think it was even forced as I was writing it for the first time (I rewrote this whole thing several times, and it still feels a bit off for me), and I appreciate the fact that you'd point it out. I really am grateful for any and all critique that can be offered, because I know I still have much to learn, and by realizing my flaws or shortcomings, I can hopefully then make plans for improvement.
I shall keep trying! There will most likely be several failures, but I hope I can keep progressing and that a good one can come out every once in a while! Thanks for your support and words of encouragement! They mean a lot to me.
Thanks for double checking, though: I think that's a mistake I'd likely make!
smoking pack-a-day dreams
gosh. you don't know how much i love this. this is probably one of the favorite lines of yours of all-time, honestly. it opens up to so many different kinds of things. relating mostly to pot, to me, because of the hallucinations it brings. however, you mention nicotine two lines down, and you kind of get loopy from that, too, so i can totally see that working.
The rhyming in the second stanza is golden. it works so well and it's totally not forced...and it's really hard to find good rhymes for 'dreams' without it sounding silly, so you did a lot of amazing things with the rhymes in that stanza.
I have a suggestion on the third stanza/the stanza in parenthesis. (and when I mean suggestions, they're just things to think about. you don't have to take them seriously) Why is there ellipses (...) ? Is there a reason - like is there supposed to be a longer pause than expected or...? I can see that, but I just wanted to make sure. Now, my suggestion is to take out the period in the last line of the stanza. it's a pet peeve of mine to have periods in the parenthesis, however it doesn't harm your poem either way to have it or not have it - that's why it's pretty much a suggestion and nothing more.
(actually, I have a real suggestion for stanza three! I don't think it was the ellipses that was confusing me completely or anything - it was how it was worded. it seems kind of awkward to me. I suggest to revise it as 'never burns the past // but that doesn't stop anyone' due to tense changes as well. Be careful of that throughout your poem because you have a bit of them)
Now, a suggestion that I really do suggest - I think you should revise 'she'd drink her coat or stuff it' because this 'she' character feels random to me, and the repetition of 'coat' in the same stanza. I think it would be a much better fit as,
"I'm stuffing teardrop-pockets
as I'm struggling
in security and raincoats
when heaven opens up to scream"
I also suggested a revision for the second line of the stanza because the tense changes.
The ending is really strong. This is definitely one of the most powerful poems I've ever read of yours. The power is held consistent in the poem. I really love it.
Thank you so much for sharing (I feel like I've accomplished something )
"and since I can’t be flying
I must be falling;"
these two lines were my favorite. I also love the second stanza. The only thing I would suggest is that the ending is a little weak, and while I get the idea behind it, and certain parts are brilliant ( "When I'm too busy in hearts per breaking") I just feel like you could have wrapped it up better.
I would agree with you about the ending. It bugs me quite a bit, though, because I can't think of another way to end it. I feel that spoken, the ending is not so weak as it seems on paper, but of course not everyone speaks the poetry they read.
I've been debating on this stupid ending for the last few hours. If you have any tips, I'd love to hear them, if you feel like sharing. If not, that's perfectly fine, too! I'll try my best to figure out a solution, but if I can't right now, I'll make a note to myself so I won't forget.
I appreciate your honesty! I really do. I desire to keep improving, so it just means a lot - it's quite helpful, too! Thank you for always taking the time to share such valuable thoughts.
I actually think it's a lovely idea: It fits well with the mathematical theme and all. It means a lot to me that you would take the time to offer up suggestions! Truly. So thank you a ton for that
After thinking it over and receiving some lovely feedback, I think I can just cut off the last few lines. This way, it will end at a more powerful point, and it takes away the unneeded (which I always have a tendency for adding). Hopefully this gives the results desired.
I think you should reword "She'd drink her coat or stuff it" into your own, because it doesn't seem to fit (ironically). You're more original than you think. The 4th stanza overall doesn't fit as well as the rest, so it stands out. I think it's because you abruptly switch from 3rd person to 1st person. I think that switch shouldn't be within the same stanza, separating them would make it a lot smoother. I don't even think the 1st stanza is necessary. The 2nd, 3rd, and 5th stanzas are gold though!
You're as helpful and as honest as ever, and I (as always) appreciate that so very much. Just as your praise is so very much appreciated. Thank you for such kind and generous words <3
I'm glad you thought the rhythm was good in this piece: I kind of felt like I was trying to write a rap or something when I stopped to reread it.
As for rewording/belonging of the 4th stanza: Thank you. I quite agree... I just come to these crossroads, though, because I become unsure of how to change it. I think I sometimes worry over keeping the integrity of the piece, and sometimes I worry over ruining what may be a possibly okay piece.
"She'd drink her coat or stuff it" was one of the prompts, but we didn't have to use it word for word. I'll really try to rattle my brain for possible alternatives... I'm just unsure of how to proceed in the moment.
As for the first stanza: Looking at it, I agree with you on this one, too. However.. I'm not sure if the removal of the first stanza really takes away from the meaning of the poem? I mean, I don't think it would change it too much, however the title ties in with it, and so does the "meters per second" later on in the last stanza. If I can ask: do you think it would still be okay for those to stand alone without the first stanza? I think I just like having it there because of the wording... but I think I also need to look at it objectively for the sake of the poem. If it's not needed, then it probably shouldn't be there.
Thank you for your honesty! I really appreciate that you are helping point out the flaws within my writing. How else am I supposed to grow? so thank you, again! It's deeply appreciated .
(I'm so sorry. I ask you so many questions. ... however, if I could be allowed one more: I received a comment that I agree with which basically stated that the ending was a little weak. I don't know if spacing/paragraphing could perhaps fix this problem - I feel that spoken, it isn't as weak as it is on paper - or if I should come up with a different ending if it is truly a distraction. So I guess what I'm trying to ask is: do you think the ending is in need of changing?
Sorry for taking up so much of your time!)
I think the poem reflects the title and vice-versa the reassurance of the first stanza is not necessary. The theme does reoccur throughout the poem.
If you wanted the ending to be stronger you could end at "breaking". That's quite a punch to leave the reader with and therefore very effective and memorable.
If that wasn't sufficient feel free to inquire more.
I think I will end it at "breaking." That's an incredible idea... I guess I just need to get better at seeing these things. Either way, thank you so very, very much! It means a lot that you would help me so
Overall I think it is pretty decent, though I have trouble understanding the meaning of the last stanza (not a native English speaker, mind you: the part starting with 'when I'm too busy in heart per breaking' - it does relate to gravity and falling I think, but I can't make the connection at this point).
Apart from that I like the image created overall, the inherent circle and that it is self contained. Good job.
I'm happy you found this decent! I was going to try and explain the last stanza to you, to try and help... but I, myself, may be a little lost: Sometimes I just write what I am thinking, and not all of it makes sense at the time. It's more an unburdening of emotion.
I can still try, though, but I apologize if it only makes you more confused (sometimes I have a tendency for doing so): the meters/second does relate back to gravity. I think the whole poem is about someone wanting the narrator to be someone she's not... so she relates it to them asking her to fly when gravity is present. Therefore, she goes along with the comparison and says that she can't be free and that she can't have flight, and admits that their love is just not whole and maybe never really was a love. Therefore, she's a bit heartbroken, because she loved him... and it maybe could have been a love had they both been willing to not be selfish and to just compromise.
I'm sorry, I really suck at explaining.
However, I'm really glad you left a comment: I appreciate the feedback and the time you took to write this. <3
Thanks for shoving me towards the right direction.
You're most welcome, but I wouldn't feel too bad about it: I often have to shove myself, as well. So we can be shoved together . Thank you for taking the time to inquire, actually: I really love when people express their thoughts, and even more when questions are asked! It just shows that someone cares enough to do so. I appreciate that
Thank you! Your kindness is just so appreciated.
Tomorrow I'm planning a trip to your gallery. I'm quite excited: What I've seen so far has just made me swoon in appreciation and envy! I look forward to commenting and faving your lovely, lovely work
Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts! It's deeply appreciated, especially on a piece that I worried over <3
Seriously: You really make me feel like my writing is worth something! I really appreciate that.
(the fact that you said you were a fan, too? Holy crap. Thank you so very, very much. It means the world to me )
I'm glad that you liked this c:
I'm so so so happy you thought it was beautiful! That makes me smile
(I hope you had a good 4th of July, too!)