It's louder still
but you don't hear it
(and that has to be okay).
Darkness holds me close again -
so safe like warmth and
I am hypothermia
Then it gets louder.
My ribs overflow with moths
they devour all my light.
It is the fearful thunder
shooting down my arms,
too uncertain for one place.
It vibrates blood and scars
until my fingertips are earthquakes
cracking open famine soil, and
I curl them tightly -
control the fear.
Then it gets louder.
It starts small -
the little things -
stabbing away at the vitals
of what ifs and could bes...
it's always just the little things.
It's louder still
It's basically written from my worst to the beginning - how it all starts. I chose to do it this way because they always see me as the end. Never at my worst. I didn't think my words were good enough, either, to explain the overwhelming feeling when I'm super anxious, so I changed the font size. Please tell me if it's distracting.
Sorry for another selfish piece. I do feel better having gotten it out.
It's always just the little things. /sigh .-.
I might move this to scraps.
I feel like it's crap.
Usually I'm more bothered by how someone is perceiving me or if I'm healthy or how in the world I'm supposed to get everything done that my mom wants me to.
I think it's okay to have selfish pieces. Sometimes you need to get it out. Sometimes it helps figure out what's wrong and how to deal with it or even just makes it hurt less. I think that some of these 'selfish' pieces are probably the best. What does one know better than what they feel?
(but wkhrkwhek then dA made < sub > REALLY small, so I had to go in and reformat the whole thing again. Well, hopefully it's still okay. I don't really feel like fiddling with the font sizes again: dA makes it so complicated, sometimes, to get the right size.)
The way you state things is so beautiful. Dang, I wish I could do that . I mean, sometimes (if I'm lucky) I can do so with poetry... but I'm hardly articulate in my offline life (I feel like I never have the time to THINK my words through anymore: If it's not an instant reply, people often get offended, etc). Perhaps that's why I don't tell anyone I write: I think they'd find it hard to believe! Mostly, though, it just doesn't come up. I think I'm also fine with it being a secret. I get kind of embarrassed when people I know read my writing... perhaps because it's so personal and can often be the complete opposite of how I portray myself .
Thanks for this lovely comment! I'm grateful!
You give me too much credit. I'm only like this when I'm writing. I'm much more eloquent on paper/computer than I am in real life (to the point where I actually said 'asdf' and several other keyboard mashes out loud a few times)(I probably spend more time than I should on the internet, but oh well). With the computer/written word you've got time, like you said. Not so much in every day speech. >w> The only bit of eloquence that transfers into my speech is my extended vocabulary.
It's always a pleasure~!
Oh you sound like a very interesting person! I laughed so hard when I read how you sometimes say keyboard mashes out loud. That's awesome . I think those little quirks are part of what makes a person unique... so I think it's just adorable~
An extended vocabulary is still wonderful to have! I find that words are so beautiful... it's hard not to know every single one! I used to just read the dictionary, discovering new words and new meanings, etc. Now, I haven't done so in a long time... but I think I just might. I guess that's one of my weird quirks.
Well thank you! I said them once around my cousins and they looked at me so weirdly. I try not to when I'm around other people, but I let them fly all the time when it's just me.
Hm, well that's an interesting one to have! I had to do that for a school project once. I tend to pick up new words from things I do and read, online or not (even from peoples' usernames, like yours~!). I tend to read a lot, so I think that's where most of my words come from.
On quirks, one I just recently found out I had is that I don't seem to walk right. When I'm barefoot, I don't put much if any weight on my heels. It's almost like I'm wearing invisible high heels, or I'm dancing through life.
I don't see the point in having a < sub > / < sup > that is super tiny! What is it possibly for now? I always liked the saying "if it's not broken, don't fix it."
I think that's actually awesome. I'm a sucker for individuality and unique character traits. My sister, actually, hangs around all things Korean so much that she actually started to say the common expression "Aish" which I guess is basically swearing. Now it's just a part of her everyday speech xD I think it's hilarious.
Me: "What's wrong? Had a bad day?"
I love reading~! So many lovely words and worlds and characters.. gah it's just the best!
That's actually adorable. I love the idea of dancing your way through life, too!
I go barefoot everywhere, but I tend to walk normally. Unless it's up stairs. I guess I got used to creeping around, so I always walk on the balls of my feet for stairs. (but I also think it's fun to walk that way... but curse my stairs because they always creak anyway)
Oh my gosh, I do that too. Or, well, I used to. I don't as much as I used to because I'm not talking about my obsession with Asian culture with a lot of people (I don't have a lot of people to talk about it with). It is basically a swearword, but not a really offensive one, I don't think. >w> That's so funny that she says that, though.
The only thing better than reading about all of that in my mind is writing about it~. :3
I'm glad you think so. It's a little painful after a while, though. I have callouses on my feet because I've been walking so much lately. D:
And curse creaky stairs. They always get you. My whole house creaks, so it's incredibly hard to sneak around in. Hard, but not impossible though.
That's so funny! I love it. I'll have to tell her I found someone else that had the habit!
I don't really think it's offensive, or if it used to be it's not so much anymore: I've never talked with a Korean who doesn't use it. They pretty much say everyone says the word when they're frustrated/angry, etc. XD
OH! Very true. Writing is like magic
Oh my goodness. You wanna talk about callouses? My whole feet are rough. I can step on a rock and not really feel it anymore. However.. I kind of like them there. I've had a few experiences where I had to be barefoot walking somewhere, and boy was I glad for them then! I kind of like that they're tough. I don't know.. when I was young I thought that shoes were for those goody goody girls, because they were afraid to build some layers of skin. xD I was a weird child. Weird indeed.
LOL I just got this picture of you army crawling across the floor?
Ah, good times, good times.
I'm still improving my ninja skills. but they ARE improving~ One of these days...
And the anxiety... Yours is different than mine, I'm sure, in what triggers it, etc. But the feeling of it... It's really similar. I've never blacked out, but I feel so stuck. I freeze. And I pull into myself, and I shake, and I can feel my lungs starting to stop. It's scary. And it's new. (And I'm not typing with proper grammar and I hope that doesn't make me look like an idiot. This is just how I think.)
It's really nice to hear another view on this. I don't feel so alone. I really haven't tried to explain it to many people, but I have had people try to explain mine to me, and I don't know if you've ever had that happen, but holy crap it's annoying.
Anyway, I'm really glad I found you and your work, and I'm really glad you wrote this, even if you aren't so proud of it.
(I also love your username xD)
I'm both honored and touched that you'd share your experience here. Thank you. I know I asked for people to share, but I do feel that one's anxiety is extremely personal. Especially their worst moments. I feel, though I can't exactly relate 100&, that I can understand. I don't even know if I'd had a full blown panic attack yet... but the worst I had it was a about a week ago. It just started with crying (I'm an extremely emotional person... so when I'm scared, frustrated, or tired... I just cry. Sometimes it's embarrassing how easily haha) and I couldn't stop, and I kept coughing. There wasn't enough air and I felt like I was going to puke. I couldn't stop shaking either... my whole body just felt limp. So it's definitely new to me, as well, whatever it was! It's extremely frightening. The blackout factor is quite old, and so I'm used to it. It's just a bit disorienting.
I'm sorry that you have to experience such a thing, though... yours especially sounds scary. I don't think I'd know where to start dealing with it, if that happened to me.
(Pft, don't worry about it. I'm the last person to harp on grammar and things of that nature: I am so bad with it! You write better than I do, anyway. Sometimes I just add extra commas because I feel like it . SO I am pretty word retarded c: therefore, I really don't mind how you type! It's completely fine. You'll find that I often type how I think, too... and that also sometimes makes it a bit crazy just bear with me!)
I have actually never had that happen. I think that would be incredibly frustrating, though! It's like "Holy crap, I have it! I think I know what it's like. Thanks." You must have some superb patience... I think I would have just ignored them and then avoided them. I can definitely relate, though, to a lot of what you said: I haven't really tried explaining it, either. Most don't seem to understand. And it gets frustrating when you can't explain why you are unable to do those little, tiny things. And they don't understand that you can't help it. I kind of gave up... which I feel is a bit cowardly, since I only tried to explain it twice. Perhaps I will try again in the future... but I feel that some people really don't want to understand. . In which case, I guess that's fine - or it has to be.
You seem like an incredibly nice person. I'm glad you took the time to comment!
I'm quite obnoxious at times (and if you haven't realized: I pretty much have an immature mindset. However, I like viewing the world through a child's eyes: I feel they see more wonder in the world.), but I think we could become really good friends, if you wanted.
Either way, it's a pleasure to meet you.
Anxiety does seem like a really personal thing, but lately I've found it makes life easier if you can talk about it. For me, it's easier to talk to people online, especially if I can see they understand, and I think you do. (Also, thanks for acknowledging that you don't get it 100%. That's a huge pet peeve of mine. I used to get so mad when people would say they understood, because they hadn't been me. I'm getting better about that, but it still bugs me sometimes. So thanks. :] )
As far as panic attacks go... I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and I think my first one ever was a few years ago, if I've been getting them at all. Since then they've kind of progressively and gradually gotten more frequent... I'm starting to learn triggers and things, which is helpful. So it does get better, just so you know. Even if it may get a little worse first. You learn to deal with it. Learn how to cope. What I really hope for you is that it's not majorly interfering with your life. That gets to be problematic.
Also, typing how you think is, in my opinion, fabulous. I would really rather get to know someone by hearing how they think than by asking them questions or whatever. I think it says a lot more when I just listen to how someone thinks. Crazy, I'm totally used to. :] Just talk to me for a bit, you'll learn. :]
When they tried to explain it to me, it wouldn't have bugged me so much if they'd gotten it right. What bothers me is that they were so sure they knew what was going on and they were totally wrong. I would have ignored them too, except it was family... So I kinda can't... :/ They just have to learn how to put up with me now. I've been getting so many problems over the past few years, or at least they've been getting worse. I feel bad for my family sometimes because they have to put up with it. Along with the anxiety, (which is newer) I've got self-diagnosed OCD, and some other stuff going on. Put anxiety with OCD, especially in my head, and you get problems. There are certain things I can't do, and then other things that I absolutely have to do, and trying to explain the ones that I have to do is a lot harder than trying to explain what I can't do, really... It sucks. But oh well, I guess. What can I do besides try to learn to control it and be patient? And really, you're right. Some people don't want to understand. Some of them want to have their own version of what's going on in your head, and think that it can't possibly be different, and others just don't want to try. Which is sad, but yeah. It kind of has to be fine. It's a lot easier to accept that than to try to fight with them. If someone is willing to listen, though, I think it's always worth trying to explain to them. It helps.
Everyone is obnoxious sometimes. That comes with being human and being individual. :] I think we could be really good friends, too, and I'd love to be. You seem really cool. :]
Send me a note if you ever need or want to talk. :] I may take a couple days to answer, but I'll always get around to it. :]
I think a lot of problems can be solved through communication, it's just that some things are more hard to talk about than others. Especially if one faces the possibility of rejection. I think with Anxiety, once you can talk about it it's a heaven sent, however working up the courage and finding the people to talk to... now that, I think, is the challenge!
Oh, online communication, for me, is 100x easier than face-to-face! I think a lot more people are also open when they can remain anonymous, so I find a lot of people on here (such as yourself) who are all so lovely in sharing their stories and their understanding. That understanding is really a beautiful thing.
I can also understand your pet peeve! I think experiences are different for everyone: Even if you were somehow put through the exact same thing as someone else, your reactions and thoughts will still be different, and so will the way you deal with it afterwards!
I'm so happy to hear that you are least able to learn some of the triggers. That's lovely! It's progress, at least! I'm also insanely glad to hear that it's getting better for you that is just great!
As for mine.. it is actually starting to. I keep having these "panic episodes" (since I don't actually know if they're panic attacks) and I think my anxiety is letting in more depression. I'm considering medication, which I've been considering for quite a while, but I think it's time to give it a go. I lost quite a bit of weight (I believe it was about 20 pounds in the span of a couple weeks) due to my lack of appetite and my lack of sleep... so I think it's definitely important that I really take action against it now. I just hope others can accept and respect my decision!
I like how open you are. It's fantastic! I have to agree, too, on getting to know people through their thoughts. There really is no better way, in my mind!
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through such things! I cannot imagine how hard that must be. I admire you for being able to persevere, however! I think it takes a lot of inner strength, and I'm happy you can keep moving forward, even if you sometimes become hung up. I can also really understand how explaining why you do certain things is 10x harder than explaining why you don't. Again, I'm really sorry. I hope that your family can perhaps to learn to be more understanding I'm sure it would really help you! OCD on top of anxiety? That, to me, would be a combination from hell: I'm sure they feed off each other quite often.
Aw, thank you! I think you sound positively lovely, too! I really enjoy our talks, at least!
As you can see, I take a couple of days, too. Every time I try to catch up on my replies/comments, more just seem to flood in . but I try!
I'll definitely note you sometime, even if it's just for some conversation! I think it will really be a joy~ I extend the invitation to you as well - be it for conversation or for understanding, I'm here
I'm really glad that you're taking action against this now, too. That makes me so happy. You have no clue how much. Mine... Is getting better in the sense that since I've learned some triggers, I've learned to avoid them, which really just means that this is interfering with my life now and I need help. Actually I've recently decided that I need to go to therapy for this and some other things, and I'll be starting that soon. So really, it will be getting better for real soon, instead of me just giving in. :]
And yeah, they do feed on each other. The major OCD tick is a thing I do with my fingers, and it's also become a nervous tick, so the more anxious I get, the more I tick, and the faster I tick the more I have to redo it because it's wrong... And then I get more stressed because it's wrong. It's really obnoxious. My family is learning. They just don't see how I'm reacting to things because I've gotten ridiculously good at hiding my emotions when I don't want people to see. Honestly it's not healthy. I'm working on it.
But yeah, I think I should probably stop filling up all the comment space on your piece, since we seem to have gotten off onto a tangent. :] Note me if you want to talk more! And go read my stuff! I'd love to see what you think about it.
I think learning triggers is progress in itself! That's something to be proud of! I think I've found my trigger.. but I'm not entirely sure.. and I'd really rather not have another to find out. I go on medication in about 3 days, if all goes as planned! I'm frightened, but I really think I need this now.
I'm ecstatic that you've decided to seek some professional help. Friends and others can sometimes be lovely supporters, but sometimes it just isn't enough. I think it's a very mature and good decision for you to make such a choice. I really hope it goes well! <3 <3
That sounds so very frustrating! I'm so sorry: That can't be easy. Far from it. and I'm so sorry that you have to hide within masks I can at least partly relate to you there. Except the only person I became good at hiding from was myself. Though I hide from loved ones, it's only because I'm alone often; if they were around me more, I would be a pathetic open book. Which is kind of why I'm relieved to indulge in so much solitude, though I feel that it does indeed feed my anxiety and give green lights to depression. I've scheduled to do more things with friends, so hopefully I can make a new habit!
I wish you the best of luck with working your way through that! I'm sure you can do it, but I'm also sure it will be difficult. Just keep your chin up!
Pish posh XD Have you seen? That's what I do with everyone: my pieces are conversation spaces, mostly. I don't mind in the slightest! I'd rather have a dear conversation with my friends - I don't care where it takes place! Of course, though, if you'd rather this sort of information wasn't open to the public we can definitely converse in notes (and I can hide your comments! I have some people request that after our conversations are done).
As for reading your things: I will try. I'll be busy with the poetry roadtrip for quite a while. When your name pops up, though, I'll be more than happy to do so! I definitely don't intend to leave you hanging, it may just take a while for me to get around to it! <3
as is the format--
sizing, spacing, dashes and commas;
everything fits wonderfully.
This is quite well done, I envy your ability, dearheart.
As for anxiety, I understand first hand.
I suffer panic attacks often, almost daily.
This piece actually fits quite well,
and I think anyone who suffers from anxiety can feel it, too.
It's a different scenario for everyone,
but there's always a common link.
If you'd ever like to talk to anyone, babe,
I'm a good listener. (:
Thank you c':
I'm so glad that everything worked for you, and that you were satisfied with this piece; I really wasn't sure what I thought of it, and feedback like this helps me put it a little more into perspective.
Oh Jell, I'm so sorry!
That is horrible. I don't know if I've ever exactly had a panic attack (but the day I posted this, I think I had my first? I kept coughing and it was hard to breathe... I don't know if that's just the anxiety escalating, or if it happened to be an actual attack), so I cannot imagine how scary and miserable that must be.
I do agree: I think everyone experiences anxiety differently. It's nice, though... to see that common link, I mean. It's sometimes a reminder that we're not alone.
Thank you. You are just wonderful in every single way.
No one really understand - and while some just don't try, others do.. but without much success - so it's lovely to have someone offering an ear that does. I cannot explain how much your invitation means to me. I worry about burdening people, though - and troubling them. I paint this happy image of myself all the time, and I don't like to be a downer or a disappointment. Only about five people know that I actually have anxiety... I couldn't bring myself to tell the rest. However this is all kind of new to me, and I don't know how to deal with it, let alone myself... so if I find that I really need someone to listen, I'll be sure to remember you.
Just thank you . Again.
I do what I can!
No, it's okay! I just, I wanted to let you know that I understood, to a degree--and I'd like to be an ear if you ever needed one.
When I get panic attacks, my chest seizes up and yeah, I can't breathe right. Hyperventilating is a thing. Your heartbeat speeds up, tightening of chest. You might have had a bit of one. I get other symptoms, and I know that there are others in general, but that's a bit of the gist of it.) It's quite frightening, yeah.
It's hard to understand if you're not experiencing it first hand--even if you experience something similar. But the similarity could help be a more compassionate ear, in contrast to someone who has no idea what it could feel like.
I understand the burden thing--to be honest, not a single soul knows that I've been sad for as long as I have been. I don't...I don't tell people anything. Not in person.
But yeah--I remember how much scarier anxiety/panic was when it first happened. I didn't have anyone. So I just want you to know, you have me!
Anytime, dear (:
I'm glad that you were able to feel better by expressing your feelings in this way, too. It's definitely painful to have it all bottled up on the inside, so when you can usher it all out by writing it down...well, it's an A+ remedy, à mon avis.
Thank you for your concern and care, and thank you for taking the time to write this!
I plan on dropping by your gallery later to try and read some more of that story Just so you know that I haven't forgotten you
I do feel better, that's for sure! I think I just needed to get it out. I'm so pleased that others thought I did so well!!
Thank you for commenting~
Thank you for always making me feel like a bar of solid gold C:
It's very much appreciated
From what I read here, I think the sensation is similar, but our voices, the way we interpret or name it, is what's different. Beautiful words.
I always wish I could cease the moths' fluttering.
I've luckily never had a panic attack (though I think I may have had one today? It really scared me), but I do get these "black outs" that my doctor has linked to my anxiety. I'll be fine one minute, then my vision will go black the next and I won't be able to feel my body or my mind and I can't think. Then I wake up on the floor a few seconds later.
Your comment was overall just so wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and thoughts. It really was comforting to read, for me... there's no one here on my end that really understands. It just means a lot that you would be willing to share.
I'm sorry that you've had such a hard time with yours... I hope it gets better.
I'm fairly lucky, I have several people about me who at least try to comprehend it. But I know there are people who don't, so I try to show they're not alone, even if it feels like it does.
Personal comments are always the ones that strike closest to home; that's at least one major aspect of poetry as well. Whee connect the dots.
It is better, although thank you for *your* concern. :3 The same sentiments to you.
(I find school stressful, too, so I'm right there with you).
It is often disorienting, but I've at least gotten used to it to the point where I can just get up and keep going. So that's good! I think it's caused by multiple things, so I've been trying to put more iron in my body, put more water and sleep - and then I've been trying to relax a little more. Hopefully it works!
I think that's wonderful of you, to be there with others to prove they're not alone. You're just so sweet and kind . I'm sure those people really, really appreciate it.
Thank you for your generosity, dear. It is so very much appreciated
Aww, thank you for your kind words. I should say the same right back at you. I am! Yours are some of the longest, sweetest comments I've received on DA, and it's so nice to know some people on here are as polite and generous as you are. So there. :3