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Words by Shoeborn

Literature 3 by DreamAmongStars


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June 25, 2013
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It's louder still

but you don't hear it
(and that has to be okay).


Darkness holds me close again -
so safe like warmth and
death.

I am hypothermia
shivering within
hallow catacombs;
hurtling towards
asphyxiation.

Then it gets louder.

My ribs overflow with moths
and bone;
they devour all my light.

It is the fearful thunder
shooting down my arms,
too uncertain for one place.
It vibrates blood and scars
until my fingertips are earthquakes
cracking open famine soil, and
I curl them tightly -
control the fear.

Then it gets louder.

It starts small -
the little things -
amateur acupuncturists
stabbing away at the vitals
of what ifs and could bes...

it's always just the little things.

I've been trying to explain my anxiety to Them to no avail. Here is my frustration, screaming in the second best way I know how - maybe I can stop fixating on it, now that I've gotten it all out. If you have anxiety, too.... I'd love to hear if this fit some of your experiences... because I guess this is how it feels for me in a nutshell.

It's basically written from my worst to the beginning - how it all starts. I chose to do it this way because they always see me as the end. Never at my worst. I didn't think my words were good enough, either, to explain the overwhelming feeling when I'm super anxious, so I changed the font size. Please tell me if it's distracting.

Sorry for another selfish piece. I do feel better having gotten it out.
It's always just the little things. /sigh .-.

I might move this to scraps.
I feel like it's crap.
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:iconlilfixit:
lilfixit Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
I liked the amateur acupuncturists imagery...my what if's sometimes come out and do that to me.

Usually I'm more bothered by how someone is perceiving me or if I'm healthy or how in the world I'm supposed to get everything done that my mom wants me to.
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:iconcatwithwings:
CatWithWings Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013  Student General Artist
This is stunning. I love the pacing and just how you are with words. :) I thought that the different font sizes added to the piece.

I think it's okay to have selfish pieces. Sometimes you need to get it out. Sometimes it helps figure out what's wrong and how to deal with it or even just makes it hurt less. :) I think that some of these 'selfish' pieces are probably the best. What does one know better than what they feel?
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm glad you thought the font sizes were okay!
(but wkhrkwhek then dA made < sub > REALLY small, so I had to go in and reformat the whole thing again. Well, hopefully it's still okay. I don't really feel like fiddling with the font sizes again: dA makes it so complicated, sometimes, to get the right size.)

The way you state things is so beautiful. Dang, I wish I could do that :giggle:. I mean, sometimes (if I'm lucky) I can do so with poetry... but I'm hardly articulate in my offline life (I feel like I never have the time to THINK my words through anymore: If it's not an instant reply, people often get offended, etc). Perhaps that's why I don't tell anyone I write: I think they'd find it hard to believe! Mostly, though, it just doesn't come up. I think I'm also fine with it being a secret. I get kind of embarrassed when people I know read my writing... perhaps because it's so personal and can often be the complete opposite of how I portray myself :blushes:.

Thanks for this lovely comment! I'm grateful! :heart:
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:iconcatwithwings:
CatWithWings Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2013  Student General Artist
The font sizes here are pretty tricky to use. I've never used them because of that. I think it's fine as it is right now. ^^;

You give me too much credit. :XD: I'm only like this when I'm writing. I'm much more eloquent on paper/computer than I am in real life (to the point where I actually said 'asdf' and several other keyboard mashes out loud a few times)(I probably spend more time than I should on the internet, but oh well). With the computer/written word you've got time, like you said. Not so much in every day speech. >w> The only bit of eloquence that transfers into my speech is my extended vocabulary.

It's always a pleasure~! :D
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I had to reformat it the other day. I don't know if it's just my computer... but the < sub > really has gotten smaller. So it changed the whole piece. Is it just me, or is the < sub > messages from people kinda hard to read now? :shrug: It could just be my dinosaur computer, though.

:lmao: Oh you sound like a very interesting person! I laughed so hard when I read how you sometimes say keyboard mashes out loud. That's awesome :love:. I think those little quirks are part of what makes a person unique... so I think it's just adorable~

An extended vocabulary is still wonderful to have! I find that words are so beautiful... it's hard not to know every single one! I used to just read the dictionary, discovering new words and new meanings, etc. Now, I haven't done so in a long time... but I think I just might. :XD: I guess that's one of my weird quirks.
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:iconcatwithwings:
CatWithWings Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2013  Student General Artist
Yeah, just about every time someone puts something in < sub > now I have to copy and paste it somewhere else to read it. I don't think it's just you. Don't worry. :XD:

Well thank you! :D :XD: I said them once around my cousins and they looked at me so weirdly. I try not to when I'm around other people, but I let them fly all the time when it's just me. :XD:

Hm, well that's an interesting one to have! :D I had to do that for a school project once. I tend to pick up new words from things I do and read, online or not (even from peoples' usernames, like yours~!). I tend to read a lot, so I think that's where most of my words come from. :)

On quirks, one I just recently found out I had is that I don't seem to walk right. :p When I'm barefoot, I don't put much if any weight on my heels. It's almost like I'm wearing invisible high heels, or I'm dancing through life. :)
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Okay, I'm relieved it's not just me. but seriously... WHY DA?!?! :shakefist:
I don't see the point in having a < sub > / < sup > that is super tiny! What is it possibly for now? I always liked the saying "if it's not broken, don't fix it."

I think that's actually awesome. I'm a sucker for individuality and unique character traits. My sister, actually, hangs around all things Korean so much that she actually started to say the common expression "Aish" which I guess is basically swearing. Now it's just a part of her everyday speech xD I think it's hilarious.

Me: "What's wrong? Had a bad day?"
Her: "Aiiish."

I love reading~! So many lovely words and worlds and characters.. gah it's just the best!

That's actually adorable. I love the idea of dancing your way through life, too!
I go barefoot everywhere, but I tend to walk normally. Unless it's up stairs. I guess I got used to creeping around, so I always walk on the balls of my feet for stairs. :shrug: (but I also think it's fun to walk that way... but curse my stairs because they always creak anyway)
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:iconcatwithwings:
CatWithWings Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2013  Student General Artist
Yeah. It seems that phrase is coming into use more and more now. >w> There's always little 'improvements' that make everything harder.

Oh my gosh, I do that too. :XD: Or, well, I used to. I don't as much as I used to because I'm not talking about my obsession with Asian culture with a lot of people (I don't have a lot of people to talk about it with). It is basically a swearword, but not a really offensive one, I don't think. >w> That's so funny that she says that, though. :XD:

The only thing better than reading about all of that in my mind is writing about it~. :3

:XD: I'm glad you think so. It's a little painful after a while, though. I have callouses on my feet because I've been walking so much lately. D:

And curse creaky stairs. :XD: They always get you. My whole house creaks, so it's incredibly hard to sneak around in. Hard, but not impossible though. ;)
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Exactly.

That's so funny! I love it. I'll have to tell her I found someone else that had the habit!
I don't really think it's offensive, or if it used to be it's not so much anymore: I've never talked with a Korean who doesn't use it. They pretty much say everyone says the word when they're frustrated/angry, etc. XD

OH! Very true. Writing is like magic :meow:

Oh my goodness. You wanna talk about callouses? My whole feet are rough. I can step on a rock and not really feel it anymore. However.. I kind of like them there. I've had a few experiences where I had to be barefoot walking somewhere, and boy was I glad for them then! I kind of like that they're tough. I don't know.. :giggle: when I was young I thought that shoes were for those goody goody girls, because they were afraid to build some layers of skin. xD I was a weird child. Weird indeed.

LOL I just got this picture of you army crawling across the floor? :rofl::lmao:
Ah, good times, good times. :happycry:
I'm still improving my ninja skills. but they ARE improving~ One of these days... :XD:
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:iconcurtainrodface:
CurtainRodFace Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You... How do I say this... I'm really pleasantly surprised with your work and your ability to convey your thoughts. This really is beautiful, and you seem like a very real person, if that makes any sense.

And the anxiety... Yours is different than mine, I'm sure, in what triggers it, etc. But the feeling of it... It's really similar. I've never blacked out, but I feel so stuck. I freeze. And I pull into myself, and I shake, and I can feel my lungs starting to stop. It's scary. And it's new. (And I'm not typing with proper grammar and I hope that doesn't make me look like an idiot. This is just how I think.)

It's really nice to hear another view on this. I don't feel so alone. I really haven't tried to explain it to many people, but I have had people try to explain mine to me, and I don't know if you've ever had that happen, but holy crap it's annoying.

Anyway, I'm really glad I found you and your work, and I'm really glad you wrote this, even if you aren't so proud of it.
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