Unable to write,
Unable to feel.
Just who am I
Because I no longer know;
I've lost sight of myself.
My heart's been spirited away to dwell
In some strange land where all it feels
Is the icy cold.
Please breathe your life into me,
Let me feel your sullied warmth.
Please, just for the moment,
Stand beside me,
Because I feel lost in my utter stupidity;
How could I have believed the lies that left your lips?
Perhaps because they were the words I've always wanted to hear
You're worth it.
Don't hurt yourself because I feel the pain.
I'll love you, and stand beside you, when everyone deserts you."
Well here I am alone,
Abandoned by your cunning self.
I have nothing further to say
"What a stupid, foolish girl I am."
Unable to write,
Everything in this poem is exagerated but I was just happy I could turn out a poem... Have I lost my talent for writing? Did I even have it to begin with?
I hope you're okay
Of course you have talent! And it's totally ok that you can't write right now! I know that you don't like it because you cannot vent the emotions in a way that is comfortable for you, but you'll just have to find another way if poetry isn't working. Like, guitar or singing or just write down a couple words that mean a lot and then you can piece by piece compose them into a poem. Although it will take time you won't be forcing it and you might gain inspiration through those other means.
And please don't go to "other things". I'm barely staying away from it myself...so having you "THE INVINCIBLE NULLI!" (totally kidding here.... :/) give up is like having Superman push the entire Earth into the flames of the Sun.... Yes, it IS very dramatic and totally non-probable but it could happen! (like from the confines of my small, sad imagination....
I loved the poem though, truly it is a work of art. I feel the same way... Bravo!
Oh I'm far from invincible... Very far. However I'm a pretty good fighter and I will do whatever means to avoid it. I just can't get that part of my mind that whispers it to me to shut up... it's driving me insane.
Thank you very much once again. This comment made my day
Nah, totally kidding but I know how you feel. Same here. I guess you either need to kick it's whispering ass out of your head or find a healthy distraction. That's what I've been trying...Then again, you probably shouldn't take my advice because I'm still having a little trouble.
(And I'd never thought i'd say this) Thank God for school! It keeps me too busy, frustrated, and bored to even think about other things. Lol.
And You are always very welcome! I'm glad that my random ramblings made your day.
I understand how you feel about losing music and wriitng as your outlet as I the same thing is kinda happening to me. I feel like I cant come up with any good poems sometimes and everytim I go through iTunes to find something to listen to I cant find anything that I feel like listening to at that time :/ its a really shitty feeling I know.
Stay away from those "other things" because I know what you are talking about. We already had a little talk about me kicking your butt. You just need to find something that helps you vent. Maybe take a little break from writing and try something else and see if it helps. Or just keep writing if you dont want to do that. Post everything you write because even if you think it is crap there will be someone out there who will really really like it. It happens to me all the time
I hope things get better for you my friend but in the mean time........
I'm glad that you can empathize, yet at the same time it saddens me. You are right, definitely, in saying it's not the best feeling in the world because it's not. To me it sort of feels that everything I was actually GOOD at or stood for has been ripped away from me. It almost seems unfair but I must keep in mind that usual saying "Life isn't fair". If it was I think we'd all be better off. I am very certain that you are worse off than I am right now, and I must say that I'm sorry; I should be the one being there for you, not feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in depression. That probably makes me a bad friend as I have understood that I overreacted to what was going on at the time... I forgot about the people who were important to me and so I must apologize again for that. I know it's late to say, but I really hope you are okay.
I've been trying really hard. I'm fighting tooth and nail. It's just that I've tried doing what makes me happy and I find no joy. I've tried a few different things as well from what I would normally do and have found no luck. It's sort of disheartening, but I will keep searching. I love to sing, and while my interest in that too (which I would never have imagined the love to sing would ever leave me) has faded it is still there. Got a new choir teacher and he seems to think I'm fun and says he's excited to work with me and my voice... That's a big thing for me because most of the teachers I admire the most hate my guts. The minute I get to liking one I'll overhear their conversation or see the looks they send me and realize that though I think the world of them they actually hate my guts. So I should be excited for this... I'm just... not. I remain indifferent and it is this indifference that is killing me inside. I'm just so tired of being numb. I'll keep trying though because that's all I really know how TO do... I just hope I won't let you or myself down.
Thank you so much for your kind, uplifting words and I'm sorry you seem to have to give them all the time. I know I'm emotionally unstable and that I am easily overcome or overwhelmed but I hope you do not find this too much of a bother... I still appreciated that you commented as your words really helped me. You really helped me. So thank you so so much I only hope I can begin to be a better friend to you though I do not have much time anymore to be on deviantART but I shall try. I hope you, too, are okay as I really have no reason to be feeling down. Just another pity party I suppose...
First off, you are not a bad friend and you have never been since we have become friends so please dont think that. It was never to was never to late to apologize cause you never needed to in the first place . And you are allowed to be depressed even if I am lol I know we cant help what we feel most of the time. Im not sure why I have been feeling so depressed. Well I think I do I just dont know. I hope you a re feeling better than me because everyday for like 2 weeks has been like a roller coaster for me. Idk what to do. I wanna say something but I dont want to make things awkward and ruin what I have going for me now.
Well thats awesome its good to hear something like that from a choir teacher. I understand tho cause the same thing has been happening to me. Some things that used to interest me have been kinda fading away and they dont keep my mind off things like they used to. But it has kinda stopped. Tonight I was playing guitar and teaching myself a new song and I just kinda forgot about everything. I just focused on the sounds it was making like I used to.
I dont find you a bother at all.`I am always here to give advice or some kind of words to help try to make you feel better you are a very good friend. There was no pity party btw
No time for DA? it will be boring without you but I understand lol
If you think that is so then I shall not worry about being a bad friend anymore. Well, I will worry but I'll try not to have the idea in my head. I'm so sorry to hear that. Why do bad things always seem to happen to the best of people? As for not wanting to say anything for fear of change... I understand. I really don't know if that's the best thing to do but I completely understand. I hope things work out for you I know you can push through it; just try to ride the rollar coaster and not barf .
I'm so happy to hear that... it really makes me excited that you could regain some of your love for guitar if only for a night. I've been trying through guitar as well and have found a little joy in it, but a little is better than nothing in my opinion. What song are you teaching yourself? To distract myself as well, I'm trying to learn "Jolene" by Dolly Parton. I just think it's a beautiful song and I love how much emotion you could put into it if you sang it right. Maybe if I get good enough I'll post a video here on dA but I doubt I will seeing as how I'm finding the song difficult vocal wise.
I'm glad you think I'm a good friend. I suppose I have doubts a lot because it seems as if I am not valued at home or in my life... I know I am but when it's never said sometimes you start to wonder if you're just telling yourself you are so you won't feel so lonely. I hope things get better for you though!
It's not exactly that I don't have time for it, though that is becoming an issue, it's more that I find no joy in it at the moment. I'm still on it to browse art but making deviations or replying to omments (and I usually love doing that) still has me feeling indifferent. I find it hard to sit down at the computer and commit myself to replying to messages. I'm trying though because I hate being late on replying and I dislike making people wait. But I find myself checking my messages less and less. Disinterest really sucks.
You are not and never have been a bad friend, I promise . You have been there for me quite a few times late into when I have been feeling down. And its nice to have someone to talk to about things. Haha Im trying not to barf. But some days it just feels like I am being suffocated because I am so depressed. Like today
Yah me too. Tonigtht was a little different tho. I just tried to play and I have so much on my mind that I could concentrate and kept messing up and was getting really frustrated so I just put it away. I am trying to teach myself "The Attic" by Inflames. I just really love the song cause its really calm and the guitar just sounds really cool to me. And the song is just really mysterious and when I was looking up the tab for it I found out that the song is about madness, depression, and having like a split personality. Idk its jut really cool lol. I envy you if you can play the song and sing at the same time lol. That is a really hard thing to do because you cant focus on both singing and playing guitar. One of them has to be like automatic for you. Then there is the thing about me singing like crap XD
I know what you mean. I feel like no one really cares and I dont have friends or anything. When I know I have a lot of friends that would love to hang out if I just asked. I feel like I have been a really bad friend to a lot of my good friends because we never hung out as much when I was dating my ex. Sometimes it was cause I had to work or was to tired to want to do something. But other times it was just me coming up with bullshit just because I wanted to hang out with her. Everyone seems to blame her for that tho when in reality it was my fault. Its not like she was saying no you cant go out with your friends. I just loved being around her so much that I blew them off more than I should have :/ but for some reason they all still love me and want to hang out with me. And for some odd reason they all seem to think I am cool, I dont see it but ok lol. But anywany (wild tangent there XD) you are a very good friend
lol I gotcha ive been becoming the same way. A lot of the comments are just people saying Nice job or something like that. You are one of a couple people that I really enjoy talking to because we dont just talk about your poems or my poems. We talk about what is going on and all that. And our occasional silly conversations about whatever lol. It always makes me feel a little better when I have a comment and then I see your little smiley face and hand picture dodad thing a ma bob Like before I started typing this extensive novel back to you I felt like total and complete shit and now I feel a lot better than I did before
I'm always here even if you just need to joke about the mountain lions . And I know I say this a lot but I am so, so sorry. It's hard writing messages like this because I cannot transfer my emotion and how much I wish I could just bear hug you right now. I'm usually disgusted by human contact (blame my mother for that I suppose) but I would so hug you. The feeling isn't as strong when it's special people. It really sucks though when I want to be hugged or held and yet all I can think of when someone's hands are on me is to get them off. How am I going to maintain a relationship lol
I have those days, too. Music is really hard to explain but it's got to be something you feel, and there will be those days where you just ain't feeling it. It always sucks though because assuming you feel the same towards it as I do, it's like you have this special connection to it and when it doesn't click that sends you further into the depression you were trying to escape. My advice would be to try listening to music from your favorite bands that usually make you happy... even if you don't want to listen to it put it on anyway. You can even turn it down so it fades into the background, but it sometimes will eventually help you feel better. It doesn't always work though, but when it does it's just... refreshing. I know this sounds weird but being depressed is exhausting... and I think that's because you have to keep fighting for so many things: happiness, avoid negative thoughts, avoid suicide if it's bad enough, to obtain optimism, and so forth. Those little moments where happiness strikes--no matter how small-- are usually very refreshing. . That sounds like a very interesting song! I think I may have to look it up a little later tomorrow but it sounds very cool. How's the learning coming when you are able to enjoy playing the guitar? If you don't mind me asking that is.
I can sing and play at the same time, yes, but I have to know the tune pretty well before I can put it with the guitar. I'm no professional or even a natural and so some songs are too hard. But I can hear where the words are supposed to go in the melody; it's like a puzzle and through the music I am told the shapes and I can put it together from there. This doesn't always happen, but with some songs there's that one tiny string amongst the whole chord that hints at the tune and I just know the word is supposed to go there. It's incredible to me, and singing is pretty automatic for me as long as I can grasp the tune. If it makes you feel any better it took me a year to actually try singing with the guitar, and I've been playing for about almost 3 years now. I'm not very good yet, lol, which is sad, but I just like playing the instrument. I don't care if I get to the level of a professional or if I stay an amateur... as long as I can find joy in it then I will keep playing . I wish we could sit down and play together sometime... I'd love to play with you. You seem really passionate about the guitar and I just think it would be an amazing experience. Unfortunately, I am still under age and this is only a website. But I hope for your success on "The Attic"
Exactly. It's the same here except my friends aren't really close... It's more like I feel so alone even when surrounded by a sea of people.
Stop! Halt the truck! Okay, Ven, love makes people go crazy. Both in good ways and bad. I see no problem with you wanting to spend time with her... you really loved her! Of course spending time with her would be so important. I've been in love... once before... but it was more of puppy love... however I cherished the time I had with him. In fact I'd spend all day with him even if all we did was sit in the grass and stare at the sky. But he no longer cares about me and I'm still trying to snuff the love I was supposed to abandon a few years ago. The fact that your friends understood shows real dedication to you and maturity. Let me tell you that those friends sound like keepers. I'm so happy you can have people like that in your life! It truly is a gift. Maybe I will be able to find some, too... somewhere in the future.
Thank you. Really. I think you are a very good friend as well. I also know it's hard not to doubt your worth. Life's too short to doubt yourself. Just go with what your heart says. Be yourself. Now I wish I could take my own advice but I'm trying really hard. Ven, honestly, what's not to like about you? You are caring, compassionate, kind, and the coolest guy I've ever met. It may take a while for a girl to realize what a treasure you are, but trust me when I say I see it. The girl you spend your life with will be quite the lucky girl. I say this not to feed your ego (is he still fat? ) but to tell you how I view you. I've come up with this and I don't even know you completely! I cannot imagine how more wonderful you are in person... so please don't doubt your worth. Being yourself means people are going to hate you, that people are going to like you, and people are going to love you. Unfortunately that's just how it seems to work.
I agree. Our talks are refreshing and they easily let us focus on something else I think but maybe you do not feel that way. I just enjoy our talks because what you say seems real--genuine; not fake. Silly conversations are always good, as well as serious ones it helps us get to know each other a little more and in that we become better friends!
I like my icon as well. To me it sort of symbolizes how I try to be happy even in the bad situations. Got to paint a smile on, but I try to make it as real as I can, you know? As I said once before I think: Me and masks do not work too well. . I also am overjoyed when I see your little yoda and his lightsaber
I can't describe how happy that makes me feel, Ven. To know that I could help you feel better... come even a baby step away from depression if only for the night... it means the world. And that's okay: I like novels! I'm actually trying to write a few for real but unfortunately I am not getting very far; not in the right mood to continue with the style and mood I set. I think I wrote you a novel, too I sort of got carried away.
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIffffff you're happy and you know it clap your hands!
IIIIIIIffff you're happy and you know it clap your hands!
If you're happy and you know it
Then your will surely show it,
IIIIff you're happy and you know it clap your hands!!
If you're happy and you know it stomp your feet! *stomp, stomp!*
IIIIff you're happy and you know it stomp your feet! *stomp, stomp!*
Annd... oh goodness I forgot what was after that terribly sorry!
Eitherway: BE HAPPY VENNY!
I could us a bear hug lol. Sometimes a hug or someone to hold you is all it takes to make you feel better. And dont worry, someday you will find someone really really special. When they hug you, you wont ever want them to let go.
Yah I do have that same connection you do with music. Sometimes its just a matter of finding something good in your music collection I guess. And yes it is exhausting fighting all that away, It drives me nuts sometimes. Like yesterday I was laying in bed after I got out of work and took a little nap cause I was tired and that was when I first started feeling a little down. When I woke up I wanted to get out of bed and do something but it was like me body didnt want to move or something idk lol. As for the guitar, I played a little today but I just kinda went over what I learned yesterday a few times and just played around a little then I started getting frustrated because of everything on my mind and just went and wrote something. But it was ok I guess lol
When I started playing guitar I knew pretty much that it was just something fun to do. I never really plan on becoming some amazing guitar player that everyone knows 20 years down the road. I knew it was just something for me to learn and fill some free time with. Plus I have just always loved the guitar. Idk why it took me so long pick it up. Maybe someday we will be able to, who knows plus I need some time to learn more anyway XD I barely know anything right now. But I can already see the improvements I have made. Sometimes, not all the time tho, I can move my fingers along the fret board and stop and play at the right frets without looking. Sometimes I can pick without looking as well me and the guitar are becoming one o.O and thank you Im sure ill be working on it for a while XD
Yah same with me. I just look at all the people who have someone and then I see myself as not having anyone. Its one reason I have been very depressed lately i think.
I still really really do love her and it kills me not to be able to spend anytime with her at all. We have one class together this semester and its only an hour long and thats pretty much all i see of her. Plus she is getting a new job soon and work is the only other place i get to see her even though they never schedule us to work the same days. The whole her getting a new job thing is another reason I am really depressed. I am scared she is going to find someone else there. And maybe it is an attempt by her to get away from me even more so she can move on, meaning she doesnt want to try again :/ which may be totally wrong because we both hate where we work. Plus it is even less time I get to spend with her. Not sure if I am right or wrong tho. Something happened the other day at school though that has been making me think a lot about things tho. It didnt occur to me at the time but it did shortly after it happened. Im sure you will find good friends like that. You are a very good hearted person and some people will see that in you and know that your a keeper. I know someone who already has seen that :]
Well thank you very much that has to be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me in a little while Im glad you look at me like that because I as well see you the same way. You have helped me through a lot and have stayed up with me many times when I just needed someone to talk to. You could have easily just ignored my comments and went to bed, but nope. You did what few people would have done you stayed up and kept answering all of my comments until this old man got tired and needed to go to bed OH! to answer you question. Yes. He is extremely fat XD you really need to stop feeding him so much. Eventually he might just collapse in on himself XD
I do feel that way actually instead of sitting here alone thinking about everything that just further depresses me I am talking about things with you. Doesnt matter what it is lol. Mountain lions, poetry, photography or our wild tangents we sometimes spin off into XD I enjoy them all the same. And yes they do let us become better friends
You know Ive never really actually read into your icon like that o.O you are painting the happy smile but yet the picture is just shades of gray which obviously go well with depression and all the other bad stuff we all feel. Boy was I slow on that one XD Im glad to hear that. I think he is kinda funny looking
Really? Thats awesome keep trying with them and you will get somewhere. Sometime you will be in just the right mood and you will make a lot of progress on them and you made me feel so much better than I was before just by commenting. Im even more less depressed then I was before
Oh my god I forgot all about that song XD
Well I need to go to bed XD its 635am here and the sun is starting to come up XD Im a night owl lol
Thank you again for your endless comments and encouragement I always get from you. It means the world to me
And that's what I'm afraid of lol. When I don't want them to let go they will... that's how it's always been with me. That's why I push people away and hold them at a distance; the minute I become close with someone I fuck everything up and they leave me. So while I want someone like that I won't allow myself because I'm tired of being left. It hurts too fucking much to be unwanted and unloved.
Yes, while sleeping takes your mind off of things (though while you're waiting for sleep you think about everything you don't want to) the minute you wake up it all comes back in a rush as if it's mad that you could escape it lol.
I'm sure you can get it down. I'm glad to hear you're making progress as well... just stick with it!
I'm sorry to hear you cannot spend much time with her. Do you know if she wants to spend time with you as well? Also I would really tell her your feelings and ask her if she wants to try again but then again she may not give the answer you wish for. I'm not saying she won't say yes, but usually with matters of the heart you have to consider all the options but it doesn't really make you any more prepared. Thank you, however I am not as I appear. I've done some really bad things.... I don't even know if the kindness is real. I'm just not sure anymore. I just don't want to be the person I used to be... I've tried so hard to become the exact opposite... God I just don't want to be like the old me again... otherwise everything I've done means nothing.
Well you've stayed up with me as well, so thank you too. Sometimes I go to bed without realizing you replied but it's never purposeful. Also I would never ignore a friend in need. Hey... you're not that old lol. Some would say you're in the prime of your youth
Don't you mean explode? Kidding, kidding.
I'm glad to hear you feel the same. Sometimes it's just nice to forget that which makes you sad.
Well the icon can be taken many different ways, but that's why I set it as my picture. I've actually only told a few people what it meant to me lol. Does yoda know you think he's funny looking?
Thank you; I shall try. Yes.. I was actually having a bad day today but writing this even though I want to feel the emotions because I deserve the guilt and self hatred, for some reason I just can't when I'm talking with you. So thanks...
How could you forget the happy song? Have the aliens wiped your memory
Hope you slept well, then. I used to be a night owl but with school back up I need a lot of sleep, otherwise I feel like a zombie in my classes.
Likewise. It means the world to me as well that you do all that you do, and you are very welcome.
And I am here for you, if you need to vent, or just yell, just get angry.. you can message whatever you need to, and I won't get upset.. just let it all out.
Thank you. I understand now that I've overreacted, it's just so many new things are entering my life and I am frustrated as well as lost because I have no control over it. My mother is nothing without control... when she loses it you can guess what happens... I think it may have been passed along to me, or I picked up on the trait; If I do not have some sort of control over what's happening in my life I shut down (very unlike my mother of course) and I grow distant. Depression is usually something that accompanies this cycle. I know that there is no way I can have control all the time, but the biggest frustration to me is that I do not know how to let go. I want so badly to just release my tight grip on myself and let whatever happens happen; it's just that I can't. Maybe I'm scared, maybe I'm just a huge control freak, but I feel that in order to really see myself I have to let go... but all I know is that I am unable to do so. Thank you for your support, and I hope you know that I am here for you as well should you need me. I may take you up on the note offer as well, I just have a lot of things in my life going right now and time is not easily come by at this moment in my life. But really, thanks for all you do I am eternally grateful.
I think you have control.. I know it may not seem like it, but you do.. and even if you grow distant.. you come back, you don't just loose control and keep it going for years.. you aren't like her.. Sorry, didn't mean to offend you if I did.. :/
You know.. its okay to not let go.. well.. I guess it hurts to not let go, but you can't just do it like that, it will take time. Don't be frustrated.. just take a breath and tell yourself that you'll let go when you're ready.. and umm.. okay.. maybe mad advice if I'm thinking that you're thinking about letting go of the wrong thing.. so.. just in case, what do you want to let go that you can't?
I'm really happy you came to me, and I will be here for you thank you as well ^-^ And no worries.. feel free to do what you'd like, I understand you're life is a bit hectic right now, just take as much time as you need to do things okay? ^-^
And this poem was amazing and it really spoke to me.