Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login

Yearning for birds –
the reminder of anchors in
each half-moon cresent
so lovingly carved into my soles.

And you play hopscotch in my veins -
the ones forbidden now to bleed -
until I am beaten blue and flat

but there are sparrows in my brain
among cerebral cortex clouds,
and that should be enough...
only it isn’t.

sorry: i'm spamming. just needed to write...

and since there may be some confusion -
half-moon crescents: fingernail marks
Add a Comment:
 
:iconintelligentzombie:
IntelligentZombie Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I featured your gorgeous poem here, lovely! intelligentzombie.deviantart.c… :heart:
Reply
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer

Oh my!! Thank you so very, very much! I'm incredibly honored :iconbowplz:

You are just lovely, and I'm incredibly grateful that you thought that much of my work :tighthug::heart: Thank you for your kindness and generosity. They mean the absolute world to me :rose::heart:

Reply
:iconintelligentzombie:
IntelligentZombie Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh! You're welcome, lovely! :tighthug: :love: It's a gorgeous poem and it deserves a lot of attention! :heart:
Reply
:iconlunulae:
Lunulae Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2013  Student Writer
I'm Lunulae. Half-moon crescents. How could I not favorite? Birds, bones and moons--my kind of imagery. Flows really well. Don't know if you're looking for critique, just ignore the following if you aren't: love the first line, absolutely adore it. Would have liked a creative alternative for "lovingly." The anchors and soles are very unique. Hopscotch is pretty original too. Sparrows in my brain, very, very lovely. Last two lines were a bit of a let down, although maybe that was intentional given the content? Could be improved upon, but what can't? Enjoyed reading it.
Reply
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer

Oh my. You are just marvelously lovely. :heart::heart:

I really appreciate the time you took to leave me such wonderful, helpful words!! I'm so grateful, too, for the fact that you offered a bit of critique. I am always in need of tips and lessons, so I'm happy to have the advice to grow from!

 

Your compliments, first, just killed me. Thank you for being so wonderful and nice! It is certainly appreciated with all of my heart! As for this piece being a letdown: I reread it several times, and I've come to the conclusion that you're right. It does seem to decrescendo in a way that's quite anticlimactic, and it really does kind of leave the reader wanting more. Thank you so very much for pointing this out! I'm really unsure of how to proceed in fixing it, however. I shall make a note to myself, and hopefully after leaving it for a while, I will maybe be able to remedy the situation. I do like the last line, and I do think it needs to have a somewhat negative feel to it, given my desired concept, however, I think it definitelyneeds work. As I said: I'm always learning, and I still have miles of improvement! Thank you so very much, again, for sharing your experience. I enjoyed reading through your words, and I'm just so incredibly grateful! :heart::love:

Reply
:icondarksonicsoul:
darksonicsoul Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2013
This is great!
Reply
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :huggle: I'm glad you think so~
Reply
:icondarksonicsoul:
darksonicsoul Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2013
You're welcome! :glomp:
Reply
:iconepickblonde666:
EpickBlonde666 Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is so intriguing. It's wonderfully worded and incredibly visual.

Job well done! (:
Reply
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You are so kind :tighthug: thank you!
Reply
:iconepickblonde666:
EpickBlonde666 Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:huggle: Of course!<3
Reply
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:glomp:
Reply
:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I really like this. There are a few changes I'd suggest, but they're small and the piece as a whole just... well, works. ;)

The changes (in point form because I'm lazy, I'm crazy and.. I'm hazy?):
1. It may just be because I'm a little bit of a grammar nazi, but the capital T in the second line (and the lack of a capital in your And after the period) is really off-putting for me. Neither seems to be an important enough word to be significant (un/)capitalisation so it's just jarring.

2. I would probably suggest also changing some of the punctuation at the end of some stanzas, just slightly. I like your last line, but it's a little too far down the page and in my initial read, got 'lost' -- you could combat that by removing the capital and using an elipsis before it instead of a period. Similarly, up where you have used the elipsis, I feel like there should be no punctuation at all -- it follows on nicely to the next stanza as just a good piece of enjambment.

With or without these changes, though, you've chosen some gorgeous imagery, and the way this builds to your final line which then reverses on itself is wonderful.
Reply
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You are just heaven sent. Truly. Thank you so very much for not being afraid to give me critique; it truly feels like a while since I've received any, so it's really a nice breath of fresh air. I know my writing isn't astounding, but I want to work it as close towards that as I am able. Because of this, any and all critique is highly valued, and that's why I'm as grateful as I am!

1) Oh my goodness. Thanks for pointing out the T: I'd seen it earlier, but I forgot to change it. I will admit that it's a little weird (as well as annoying for me!) to see a capitalized letter there. -fixes-
I think I left the "and" lowercase because I felt that a capitalized letter might put too much halt on the flow. That, and the saying "proper writers should never start a sentence with 'and'" probably made me feel that capitalizing it was confirming my breaking of the rule :giggle: oh my mind works in strange ways. Rereading it, now, I do want a capital letter there. Thank you for that!

2) I really suck at punctuation and grammar usually! I am learning, and sometimes I can hear it in my head... I just don't know how to put it onto paper to translate the desired effect. Thank you for offering the punctuation, then: It was much needed :happycry:
Everything you've said just feels like it works. Hallelujah. I'll bring the last line up, too, because it just flows so much better now after making these changes... and I'll take off the other punctuation, too.

Your description of this poem was just lovely. Thank you! :heart:
(also you saved me with your critique: I'd felt that something was wrong with it, and I just wasn't happy with it. I'm not always at the level I should be when it comes to grammar, punctuation, and common sense. Luckily, though, I don't think that's too much of a problem because I'm still learning. Thanks to fine people like you: I'm also learning faster :tighthug:
thank you so much, again~)
Reply
:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Bless you, I'm nothing special really! I mean, I'm special, but I'm no more special than anyone else. ;)

You're very welcome! I'll pay particular attention to punctuation and grammar when I read your works in future if you like? They're one of the few places I feel most confident in critiquing!

I'm just glad I could help. :)

I can definitely relate to feeling like there's something off about a piece, and not being able to put your finger on why. It's frustrating, and such a relief when someone comes along and says "there's this simple thing that doesn't feel right, try this?" and it just clicks into place. :) I'm glad I could be that person for you!

:huggles:
Reply
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Well, to me you are, and there's no changing that :tighthug:!

Oh would you please, if you don't mind? That is seriously my downfall, normally. That, and just not paying attention enough to proofread properly. I really appreciate it! :giggle: I almost feel as if this writer is saved? I really do try to pay attention in my English class (it's actually my favorite subject), but for some reason the different punctuations for the different sentence types always get mixed up in my mind, and then they get forgotten with everything else I have to worry about :shrug:

I'm so very glad, too! Thanks again :heart:
Reply
:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I don't mind at ALL! I'm no god or anything like that with it, but I do tend to notice the more basic stuff and the proofread-y things too. I actually enjoy spotting and fixing those things, so it's definitely all good. :D
Reply
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh my goodness, thank you!! :rose:
I just have such troubles :stare:.

I'm really grateful! Thank you for offering to do so! It is so very appreciated. :tighthug: :heart:
Reply
:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:huggles:
No worries. :D
Reply
:iconrouge-fox:
Rouge-Fox Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2013  Student Writer
Well this is a piece which confuses me on a few levels but I do see a clear picture in some regard, quite an enchanting poem with tragic overtones which of course resonate within me. Nice work my friend.
Reply
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Well I'm sorry that it was confusing. The pieces where I get more involved personally tend to carry a lot of double meanings and strange symbolism. I've been trying to find a happy balance, but so far I don't mind: as long as I write what I feel, then that's good enough for me!

Thank you so very much for the generous words of praise: I'm glad this poem could produce such an effect! :heart:
Reply
:iconrouge-fox:
Rouge-Fox Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2013  Student Writer
Anytime my friend
Reply
:iconlittlefox911:
Littlefox911 Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Student Writer
I was actually able to understand the "half-moon crescent" line by the time I finished the poem, I realized what they were. I also feel the last line of the poem is amazingly powerful. I truly enjoyed this piece.
Reply
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm glad you were able to understand! :la:
Sometimes I just write things without really thinking of how it will come across the reader. I kind of need to work on that.

Thank you so much for this lovely comment! I loved it :heart:
Reply
:icongoldshroom:
goldshroom Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Student Writer
Beautiful spam exists. :)

Not much for me to say about this short piece, expect that I don't quite "get" the third verse of the first stanza:
"each half-moon crescent"
...because to me a half-moon and a crescent moon are very distinct from each other. My mind has some difficulty bending reality this far, I must admit. >_<
Reply
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I can understand how it could be confusing! Fingernails, to me, have always left half-moon crescents I guess that's just the way I've always heard them described :shrug:
If you dig your fingernail lightly into your palm (by curling the finger leaving the mark), there will be the clear crescent of your nail, but they'll also be a red-splotch imprint (or maybe it's white... red tends to come from having it pressed there for a long period of time) that makes it a half moon.

Thank you so very much for leaving a comment on this piece! It's much appreciated :love:
Reply
:icongoldshroom:
goldshroom Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Student Writer
Thanks for the explanation, because that part flew way over my head. :D Another thing that throws me off is using "soles" instead of "palms"... perhaps you could explain that, too?
Reply
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh don't worry! Sometimes I just put in stuff that is really abstract to the point sometimes I don't even understand :stare:

Ah, "soles." I'll try my best to explain (this was an overall feeling that I didn't quite know how to put into words). It's more like... she wants the freedom to fly, but something/someone is telling her to stay/keeping her grounded. She digs crescents into her soles perhaps in the frustration and the reminder that the ground should be enough?
I guess I gave it my best attempt, but I think it's really hard to explain. A lot of these words sound wrong for what I had intended, but I hope they perhaps can bring it into a bit more clarity.
My poetry mind is just like a separate entity off in space, coming up with these weird meanings... perhaps one day I'll learn to interpret it better.
Reply
:icongoldshroom:
goldshroom Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Student Writer
That's okay. :D My mind drifts off to some crazy places when writing poetry as well. Sometimes it completely takes over and I have no clue what I'm writing until the piece is finished. :shrug:
Reply
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm glad you can relate~ s
sometimes those bring about the best pieces, though ;)
Reply
:icondreamamongstars:
DreamAmongStars Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Another astounding piece. I loved the line "and you play hopscotch in my veins" as well as the entire third stanza... It's all just so beautiful. I really don't have the words.
Reply
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I totally had 'with' instead of 'in.' I liked your version a lot better, so I changed it. Thanks so much for the help! :D I don't know why I didn't think of it before.

I'm so glad it could have such an effect. Thank you, again :heart: I really appreciate the feedback and the lovely words you've sent my way~ you always make me blush :blush:
Reply
:iconflightlessheron:
flightlessheron Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2013  Student Writer
your piece has been featured here --> [link]
and is eligible for the feature game. please
read the journal for more details. :heart:
Reply
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:tighthug: Thank you for featuring another one of my pieces. I'll definitely leave comments on the other one, but I'll only participate in the official game once. :heart: I really appreciate it!
Reply
:iconflightlessheron:
flightlessheron Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Student Writer
You're very welcome, dear! :heart:
That is perfect! I look forward to your
comments. (:
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconnullibicity: More from Nullibicity


Featured in Collections

Literature by MitsukaiAmeterashi

Literature by IntelligentZombie


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
June 17, 2013
File Size
488 bytes
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
431
Favourites
28 (who?)
Comments
35
×