Yearning for birds –
the reminder of anchors in
each half-moon cresent
so lovingly carved into my soles.
And you play hopscotch in my veins -
the ones forbidden now to bleed -
until I am beaten blue and flat
but there are sparrows in my brain
among cerebral cortex clouds,
and that should be enough...
only it isn’t.
Yearning for birds –
and since there may be some confusion -
half-moon crescents: fingernail marks
Oh my. You are just marvelously lovely.
I really appreciate the time you took to leave me such wonderful, helpful words!! I'm so grateful, too, for the fact that you offered a bit of critique. I am always in need of tips and lessons, so I'm happy to have the advice to grow from!
Your compliments, first, just killed me. Thank you for being so wonderful and nice! It is certainly appreciated with all of my heart! As for this piece being a letdown: I reread it several times, and I've come to the conclusion that you're right. It does seem to decrescendo in a way that's quite anticlimactic, and it really does kind of leave the reader wanting more. Thank you so very much for pointing this out! I'm really unsure of how to proceed in fixing it, however. I shall make a note to myself, and hopefully after leaving it for a while, I will maybe be able to remedy the situation. I do like the last line, and I do think it needs to have a somewhat negative feel to it, given my desired concept, however, I think it definitelyneeds work. As I said: I'm always learning, and I still have miles of improvement! Thank you so very much, again, for sharing your experience. I enjoyed reading through your words, and I'm just so incredibly grateful!
Job well done! (:
The changes (in point form because I'm lazy, I'm crazy and.. I'm hazy?):
1. It may just be because I'm a little bit of a grammar nazi, but the capital T in the second line (and the lack of a capital in your And after the period) is really off-putting for me. Neither seems to be an important enough word to be significant (un/)capitalisation so it's just jarring.
2. I would probably suggest also changing some of the punctuation at the end of some stanzas, just slightly. I like your last line, but it's a little too far down the page and in my initial read, got 'lost' -- you could combat that by removing the capital and using an elipsis before it instead of a period. Similarly, up where you have used the elipsis, I feel like there should be no punctuation at all -- it follows on nicely to the next stanza as just a good piece of enjambment.
With or without these changes, though, you've chosen some gorgeous imagery, and the way this builds to your final line which then reverses on itself is wonderful.
1) Oh my goodness. Thanks for pointing out the T: I'd seen it earlier, but I forgot to change it. I will admit that it's a little weird (as well as annoying for me!) to see a capitalized letter there. -fixes-
I think I left the "and" lowercase because I felt that a capitalized letter might put too much halt on the flow. That, and the saying "proper writers should never start a sentence with 'and'" probably made me feel that capitalizing it was confirming my breaking of the rule oh my mind works in strange ways. Rereading it, now, I do want a capital letter there. Thank you for that!
2) I really suck at punctuation and grammar usually! I am learning, and sometimes I can hear it in my head... I just don't know how to put it onto paper to translate the desired effect. Thank you for offering the punctuation, then: It was much needed
Everything you've said just feels like it works. Hallelujah. I'll bring the last line up, too, because it just flows so much better now after making these changes... and I'll take off the other punctuation, too.
Your description of this poem was just lovely. Thank you!
(also you saved me with your critique: I'd felt that something was wrong with it, and I just wasn't happy with it. I'm not always at the level I should be when it comes to grammar, punctuation, and common sense. Luckily, though, I don't think that's too much of a problem because I'm still learning. Thanks to fine people like you: I'm also learning faster
thank you so much, again~)
You're very welcome! I'll pay particular attention to punctuation and grammar when I read your works in future if you like? They're one of the few places I feel most confident in critiquing!
I'm just glad I could help.
I can definitely relate to feeling like there's something off about a piece, and not being able to put your finger on why. It's frustrating, and such a relief when someone comes along and says "there's this simple thing that doesn't feel right, try this?" and it just clicks into place. I'm glad I could be that person for you!
Oh would you please, if you don't mind? That is seriously my downfall, normally. That, and just not paying attention enough to proofread properly. I really appreciate it! I almost feel as if this writer is saved? I really do try to pay attention in my English class (it's actually my favorite subject), but for some reason the different punctuations for the different sentence types always get mixed up in my mind, and then they get forgotten with everything else I have to worry about
I'm so very glad, too! Thanks again
Thank you so very much for the generous words of praise: I'm glad this poem could produce such an effect!
Sometimes I just write things without really thinking of how it will come across the reader. I kind of need to work on that.
Thank you so much for this lovely comment! I loved it
Not much for me to say about this short piece, expect that I don't quite "get" the third verse of the first stanza:
"each half-moon crescent"
...because to me a half-moon and a crescent moon are very distinct from each other. My mind has some difficulty bending reality this far, I must admit. >_<
If you dig your fingernail lightly into your palm (by curling the finger leaving the mark), there will be the clear crescent of your nail, but they'll also be a red-splotch imprint (or maybe it's white... red tends to come from having it pressed there for a long period of time) that makes it a half moon.
Thank you so very much for leaving a comment on this piece! It's much appreciated
Ah, "soles." I'll try my best to explain (this was an overall feeling that I didn't quite know how to put into words). It's more like... she wants the freedom to fly, but something/someone is telling her to stay/keeping her grounded. She digs crescents into her soles perhaps in the frustration and the reminder that the ground should be enough?
I guess I gave it my best attempt, but I think it's really hard to explain. A lot of these words sound wrong for what I had intended, but I hope they perhaps can bring it into a bit more clarity.
My poetry mind is just like a separate entity off in space, coming up with these weird meanings... perhaps one day I'll learn to interpret it better.
I'm so glad it could have such an effect. Thank you, again I really appreciate the feedback and the lovely words you've sent my way~ you always make me blush