Sta.sh
In my tears I drowned for you
when my cries could not grow fingers to r e a c h ;
you were apathy wrapped in silent smiles,
which touched and made to feel.
I felt you—discovered you,
like children sent scavenging for
hidden notes and clues;
you were a jagged jigsaw puzzle
lovingly pieced together…
Done in silence,
through studied observations
and tentative smiles aimed at shoulder blades;
you would never grant me access
if you knew my subtle intimacy…
left one-sided and aching like
goodbyes rolled into single nights of warmth.
You were my radiance,
illuminating internal corners
until I believed that I, too, could shine as bright;
it appears only some are meant to be the sun.
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I'm happy you liked it! This one was extremely personal... for I always have feelings for suns, and I forget that I am meant for shadow. Or, at least for now I am meant for shady corners... until I find the courage to step out. but even then... I cannot have one who shines so bright, because they'd blind me in ways I could never see again.
I can definitely relate - I'm always attracted to guys who just plain aren't good for me.
But I do believe that there is the perfect person out there for everyone, and that we are all born the way we are so that when we meet that person we will surpass their wildest dreams simply by being ourselves.So a sun and a shadow may well prove to be the perfect match.
I just wasn't sure if the rhythm of it was bad or not. Your opinion helps, though: you always point out things that are beneficial, and if the ending was not up to par, you'd let me know. I always appreciate your honesty... I hope you know that!
I am so very happy to hear the emotion was present. The beginning was written at an earlier time, and I tried very hard to immerse myself within different things to keep the tone consistent! Your words describing my poem have flattered me, as always, and left me smiling: I am very glad someone likes my writing, and then takes the time to write down their thoughts! It helps me more than you will ever know.
Thanks!
There are only two, perhaps three, honest issues within this section of the poem. The primary issue was the line break after reach and, quite honestly, the use of you. Although understandable to the reader, the inclusion of you in the [third] line only jumbles the rhythm of words; with the drawled reach at the end of the second line and the second you at the beginning of the fourth line, that word is deemed useless. The reader can understand the meaning clearly with that particular you omitted--the you in the next line can, in this case, be read in accordance to both lines. The second issue is the fourth line's usage of "you were apathy rolled up in silent smiles", depending on the reader's interpretation of the words, the line can be quite confusing. Not only that, but rolled up in is an image that is fraught with contradicting views. Is the person the speaker is talking to rolled in silent smiles, rolled into silent smiles, or rolled up by silent smiles; all abstract thoughts but thoughts nonetheless. The final issue within this stanza happens to occur within the final line "which touched and made to feel..." what was touched and what was made to feel (If they are indeed two separate entities) are the questions.
I did not realize the repetition of "you" made things so confusing, nor did I realize I was using it so much! I thank you for pointing that out. I shall make the change, and remove the "you" after "reach." I think I prefer this selection better.
I really need to practice my explaining skills, I suppose. I apologize for the confusion! I meant this person to display apathy in silent smiles. It was supposed to be a bit contradicting (of course those contradictions did not come across as intended) because the narrator of this poem didn't quite know what to believe: if he's smiling, can he possess apathy? I chose "rolled up" because his apathetic nature was supposed to partly reside in his smile.
I will take the blame for explaining this poorly. Also the apathetic smiles were supposed to be the ones touching the narrator (mentally, I suppose) and causing feelings to stir; they were apathetic, but they were still smiles which held some sort of depth, or were attractive.
That's a good question. I have to confess that this narrator holds certain traits that belong to me: I observe. I rarely act on feelings of a more romantic nature. In this poem, he is unknowing of her love. She watches him from afar, piecing him together where she later grows to love him. Thus her affections are one-sided, because he does not know her feelings, and she does not possess the courage to tell him. Perhaps he was involved in another relationship? I'm not sure; I didn't delve much into the conflict when I wrote it. I just wanted to convey that this conflict existed.
Thanks for sharing!
Thank you, also, for the lovely feedback: it has helped bring a few things to my attention, which were in need of revision.
I appreciate the time you took to share your opinion!