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I beat my head into the glass shop windows – as if that would knock you out of me – clutching at my heart to assure this aching chest that I still live. Perhaps, in a way, it was the motivation I needed to keep punching pulses into my wrist. (I ache more acutely than any time before, or for any person before.)

I know this is a cheesy love-thing (one I thought I’d never write, and therefore can’t find it in me to name), but I can’t help but fill you into every single word and page - and therefore need to ink you out. I need to breathe you, need to tell you… tell you that sometimes, just sometimes, I can’t help but hate you – and love you – for ripping me open to bleed him out; and I’ve tried to grip at the scars that see him differently. But he will never be you, and I’m starting to doubt that I’ll ever feel whole, while I marvel over not why I still breathe, but how, when sometimes all I want to do is leave this heart to time – fast forward, then, to graves and earth.

(I’ll keep singing, now, because I understand:
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah .
)

Here, have a crappy piece of prose (which I've actually started to write daily, by the way. I don't know.. just so I can keep writing?).
I've just noticed I haven't really posted anything, some people have been asking me to, so in a way... I do feel kind of pressured to stay active in the submitting category of my deviantART life, too. Do I feel bad for submitting crap pieces, some may ask? Why no, not really: I feel that most of my stuff is a work in progress anyway, so it's not like the quality will dip too much. I'm really not worried about it, but if it bugs you, I guess I'll apologize!
You may see me around here and there, but I'm in an iffy stage. Don't worry: it'll go away! I think it's just today, because it's kind of a dreary day.

Stay lovely, lovelies! xoxo
:heart::heart:

(The song I was referring to is Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley. If you haven't heard it, it's one of my absolute favorites. Voila: www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8AWFf…
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:icondarksonicsoul:
darksonicsoul Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2013
This ...this was amazing I love the passion and emotion you put into this!
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:iconthedarkartsonline:
TheDarkArtsOnline Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2013  Professional Writer
When I saw the lyrics, my first thought was the other Hallelujah, by Rufus Wainwright. www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mcmjc…

Love's duality is something that both fascinates and frustrates me.  I understand what you write about.  My problem is I haven't found love since my heart was broken in Freshman year.

I can also understand the pressure to submit something.  I don't like being pressured.  Makes me not want to submit anything at all on my other profiles.

_ _ _

"And I've not found love yet.  But just because I haven't found it doesn't mean it isn't hiding from me.  Love will be here with me.  Got my tenacity.  Start turning 'cause love makes my world go round.  Love is gonna make my world go round and round." -- Lyrics from a song I won't give the name of.
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:iconholygreatgrandparome:
Really late comment, but wow this is awesome.
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer

:huggle::heart: Thank you so much, gorgeous. This really meant so much to me, and I'm glad you liked it!! I was quite unsure of it.. maybe because I've never tried prose before. I think this one is my second attempt :giggle:

 

You're just a ray of sunshine for me. Thanks, again! :rose:

 

(I hope you've been well!)

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:iconholygreatgrandparome:
I see you're still determined to be positive :D it's impressive, really. I think I would have had a bad day or two by now.

Oh, you're very welcome. It was beautiful. I personally think it was DD-worthy…

I've been okay…school is tough, though. My English and Art teachers are amazing, thank God.
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer

It's not about being happy all the time, I think! It's just about making the decision and finding the desire to see things in the most positive light allowed. (: I've definitely had my share of ugly days! However, every single time that I force myself to bounce back is a day I realize how grateful I am for all that I have, and all that I can do. Which makes me even more determined to stay as super positive as I can!! (:

Oh my! You compliment me so fantastically! I just love you. :tighthug::heart::heart: Thank you so much for sending tons of love my way, because it certainly made me smile! <3 You're beautiful, lovely, inside and out. Don't forget it!

I see! See, I start school next Wednesday. I'm sure it will come with it's share of difficulties, but I'm excited for the plethora of new opportunities!  I'm sorry to hear it's already giving you a tough time, though. Don't let it beat you, gorgeous!! You strike me as an insanely intelligent being with a creative spark and a big heart! I'm positive you can make it through this with flying colors, and the fact that you have creative outlets (and good teachers to inspire and help them!) is even better! At least there is still good points to experience throughout the day, but I do wish you had more! If I can ask: what do you find most difficult? Is it just managing the stress or are they already hitting you with exams and such?
Remember I'm always here for you lovely! Anytime, and with anything ~:tighthug:

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:iconholygreatgrandparome:
Oh. That makes sense. I should try that sometime...

Thank you so much :) I really appreciate the compliments...they brought me a smile after a tough day.

Well, see, I just started high school, so it's doubly stressful. Plus this is my first year not being homeschooled. It's definitely a lot and it's a strange experience, but I like it so far. Good luck with school for this year! I hope it goes well.
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer

I wish you the most of luck if you do! However, remember: there should really be no rush.. or pressure! It's all about finding what works for you and finding what impacts you positively and what impacts you negatively. When you just recognize these things, I think the journey becomes ten times easier (: then it just seems natural to be happy, especially when you just asphyxiate yourself in the influences that make you happy and hopeful :huggle::heart:

Good! I'm so happy to hear my words could help! Though, I'm so very sorry to hear you had a tough day. I know everyone has them, but they always suck, and you seem to be having more than your fair share of them! Do you wish to talk about it? No pressure, darling! I was just curious if I could help in any way :tighthug:

Oh, I see! I remember my first day... actually my first six months, really. It was really quite stressful, and I was so worried about fitting in. Please know that you'll find your little space to belong in, and it does get easier! The years also just fly by, so remember to enjoy yourself to the fullest, and try not to worry too much about what other people think! We're all just trying to find our place in the world (:

However, not being homeschooled for the first time is SUPER HARD! I'm so sorry that you're undergoing such a change and that it is proving so stressful and worrisome. I can sort of relate, but my first year was the end of 7th grade. However, I have a friend who had to come into high school as her first year of public school ever, and while it was hard for her, she made some wonderful friends and she just loves it now! I know it's different for everyone, dearheart, but my fingers are crossed for you!! Perhaps just finding three things you love about it will help? That sometimes helps me loads, especially if my mind has been in a negative or stressful funk! Making some good friends also helps TONS! I guarantee it ;) :heart:

 

I'm sure you'll just rock high school, dear! Never fear. But please know I'm always here for you to talk to, should it prove a little more stressful than you can handle :tighthug::heart: I want to help your lovely soul as much as I can! :tighthug::kiss:

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:iconholygreatgrandparome:
It sounds very freeing, in a way. I think I will try to he more positive :)

Ah well, maybe I'm just overreacting because I've seen more and take certain things differently than most people my age. For the most part, though, high school is a strange mixture of tough teachers, awkward social moments, and one of the oddest, most foreign feelings I've ever felt - immaturity. Somehow, something changed in the past three weeks I've been in school - checking out guys in their football uniforms and holding a conversation that does not consist of religious or ethical debate are both starting to interest me. I should work on that. Haha, I think my peers are rubbing off on me :P

High school will be fun eventually? That's relief to hear, right now it's not exactly the most pleasant of experiences, haha.

It was quite a transition, that's for sure. I think I'm adjusting fairly quickly, but in still mentally decades older than the people surrounding me for eight hours a day. I don't regret leaving homeschooling, though, it was getting to be a challenge to self-motivate.

Thank you :) I appreciate it, I really do. Thanks for all the kind words of encouragement!
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:heart:

Thinking of you, darling.

(And oh God how I love that song. But not the Jeff Buckley version, the Rufus Wainwright one. Or the one with Kurt Nilsson.)
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer

and I'm so thankful that I have such a kind and caring friend :heart::kiss::hug:

Thank you for always putting your heart into your comments and into your love. I really appreciate it beyond words. :tighthug:

 

(Oh my goodness, those versions are wonderful!! They all just have such beauty to them, because I think those that can understand can truly just express without inhibitions. I think I love the Jeff Buckley version, just because his heart-wrenching cries of 'Hallelujah' at the end just rip my heart out and run over it with some type of Semi truck. I think it was also the first version I really felt a connection with. When one makes that connection with music, I feel that it will always hold a special place in his or her heart :heart::heart: but it's just a gorgeous song, isn't it? A gorgeous, lonely, painful song.)

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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:huggle:

Yes, yes, yes!
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart: Glad you can understand ;)
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:heart:
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:iconskygazing:
skygazing Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2013
crappy? how can you call this crappy, are you serious? :heart:
this is lovely (and relatable) of how something you want to forget can just so simply consume you :love:
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer

Dearheart, every single comment you leave me just turns me into an obsessed pile of goo.

I wish I could hug you, or maul you with cheek-kisses XD. Because you seriously make me so happy with every single word you write me. And I'm honored to receive such radiant support from such a sunshine flower! :huggle::heart::heart::heart:

Your comment, even, was so beautiful that I think I died. You're just so good to me, and I appreciate that so very much!

Thank you, again, beautiful! xoxo

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:iconif-cloud-was-a-girl:
If-Cloud-Was-A-Girl Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wow...
The ramblings and endless thought prosesses that come from true emotion, compassion and confusion can create the best literature.
This is defintely an example.
I love itHeart  
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer

Oh sweet jesus in heaven.

YOU ARE POSITIVELY RADIANT. :stare: I hope you know this.

Embrace it. Live it. Because you are one fantastic human being.

 

Thank you so much for this comment. It really just made my day, and I have so much love inside of me that I don't know what to do with it! Except maybe give you some hug-spam? > : )

:hug::hug::heart::heart::heart::huggle::heart::heart::hug::hug::huggle::huggle:

 

I cannot express how much your kindness and care means to me. Every single time, I am left breathless and with such devotion. You, my friend, are just a gorgeous person! Thank you, again! :rose::kiss:

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:iconif-cloud-was-a-girl:
If-Cloud-Was-A-Girl Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Best reply to comment!!!!

EVER!!!

Thank you so much! It's lovely when someone can appreciate an oppinion! :')

And I honestly have never recieved so many hugs (real, pixellated or otherwise) in mah LIFE!

THE EXCITEMENT!

:happybounce: :happybounce: :happybounce: :happybounce: :happybounce: :happybounce: :happybounce: :happybounce: :happybounce: :happybounce: :happybounce: :happybounce: :happybounce: :happybounce: :happybounce: :happybounce: :happybounce: :happybounce: 

....ahem, *cough* .... thank you Blush 
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2014  Hobbyist Writer

Obviously, then, this is the most horrible reply ever.

I'm so sorry for the lateness!

 

You're welcome :cuddle:

You entirely deserved it, too!

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:iconssensory:
ssensory Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2013   Writer
I've truly missed your writing. I'll come back later to give a better comment or we can discuss it on Skype. Whichever you prefer, kels. :heart:
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer

It's whatever you prefer, really. I don't mind either way. I'm not under the impression that it's good :giggle: I just felt that some could enjoy it. I've also gotten some emails and such, and I wanted those people to know that I could relate to them, or that they weren't alone, really.

I have to go to my appointment now (which is stupid because I'll spend all of 2 minutes waiting to say "yes the medication is working." so I wish we could just do it over the phone or something), but I'll text you when I get back. Until then, do what you wish in terms of this piece.

I look forward to speaking to you today! :heart: at least it will also make up for my internet cutting off the video chat yesterday. I've scolded this computer thoroughly :XD: so don't worry!

I'll speak with you soon! And thank you, lovely: Your words made me smile :tighthug:

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